I know we all have had our elevator moments. It's inevitable. You're there, trapped, sometimes for several minutes at a time, with total strangers. They may be completely normal, or they may be fruitcakes who just stabbed their Aunt Gert with a breadknife. You can't really tell.
I recently had my own moment. It wasn't as crazy as I'm making the above sound, but awkwardness abound, it bears repeating. Now before we begin, there are a few things one must bear in mind.
1. I think logically.
2. I am an atheist. (See above)
3. I believe in being kind to strangers.
I was on my way back from my lunch break a few days ago, having just sat down to read a few chapters of "The Gun Seller", and have a bagel. I head down to the East elevators, and press the "Up" button. I notice two elderly people, a man and a woman, coming up next to me, waiting for the same elevator.
I think nothing of it, casually glancing at random things (I'm a little awkward in 'small-talk, try to act casual' situations), when the older guy starts to talk to me.
"You workin' tonight?" He asked.
"Yep." I said, trying to keep it simple.
"You gettin' tired, yet?"
What do you say to this question? Smaller talk. "Oh, I'm always tired." I said, trying to get a smirk out while simultaneously vomiting up all that cheese. The lady just stood there, waiting for the elevator.
"Well here," He said casually, reaching into his coat. "I'd like you to read this when you get a chance." He pulls out a yellow, folded pamphlet, which (silly me) I believe at first to be some sort of charity or social brochure.
Nope. It's about God.
The front held a large clock face, with the entire clock greyed-out, save for the five minute-interval from 11 to 12. The caption at the bottom read "This could be the last five minutes of your life!"
I swallowed. In fact, I believe I swallowed a small truck.
I tried to think of a way to remain polite, while at the same time refusing the damn thing. He went back to waiting with his sister/wife/friend, while I stood there staring at this damn pamphlet. I thought I could just throw it away...but then what? He would get the satisfaction of thinking he's converted another person to the ways of the sheep, and I am once again put off by people trying to push their religion off onto me, thinking it's some sort of right they have. There had to be a way to meld the two into a nice fluffy torte.
Four more years go by.
Think, dammit.
Finally, the bell dings, and the three of us clammer onto the elevator. I go off to the side like I usually do, not because of awkwardness, but because I believe in giving people their personal space when I'm stuck in a refridgerator with them. Once again, He strikes up a conversation.
"So...you going home soon?"
"Nope." I said. "I still have 3 hours to go." I still remained cordial, although I realized I was just going to have to go for it.
"Well, please make sure you read that when you get a chance."
NOW! DO IT NOW!
"Actually, Sir" I began, "I'm an Atheist." I stopped for only a nanosecond or so, letting it sink in enough for him to realize what I said, but not enough to let his sales pitch start up again. "So I'm going to let you have this back." I handed it back to him.
He suddenly gets very offended, and suddenly I'm his insolent grandson. "Well...it won't hurt you to read it!" He says, sounding like this had never happened to him before.
I'd come this far. I had to finish it.
"Sir," I said again, "I'm not to insult you by throwing it away as soon as I get off the elevator."
The doors opened. Thank Dog for that.
I get off, and take two steps out, toward the hallway. He starts following me out, and his mother/daughter/friend-in-law, who up until now I would've thought to be mute, speaks up.
"Charles, this isn't our floor, yet."
"I know," He says feverishly. "We can get back on again." She stays on the elevator, holding the door open. A few more people come over, hoping to get on this elevator that is now claimed for Britain.
As I walk, I notice that the guy I'm orienting to my unit from the HR office, has also come back from lunch, and he is still standing in the small room next to the elevators. Maybe he took the nearby stairs, I don't know. But he was standing there, so I guess he was a viable candidate. The old man, still in a tiff, comes up to Adam (the new guy) and says "Excuse me, Sir. Could you read this when you get a chance?" He then steps back onto the elevator with his niece/stepsister/cousin, and the doors close.
Adam stands there, holding the pamphlet, then looks up at me like he just witnessed a UFO abduction.
"Tag." I said. "You're It."
I relayed the story to him as we walked back to the unit, and we spend the next hour or so reading the pamphlet, and laughing at every other sentence. As we suspected, it was all fear-tactics.
Because you know, Athiests have WMDs.
That's the story. I could say much, much more. But when all is said and done, everyone knows my opinion. Some people are destined to blindly follow whatever their previous generation told them to, and with the end coming ever closer, they need to believe that they didn't go through it all for nothing. The human mind can't contemplate Oblivion. It gets freaked out. So what should we do? Invent God, of course.
That's a good follow up to the Zeitgeist movie I posted earlier. There's a nice ten-minute lesson in the documentary about all the gods and myths from other cultures (Roman, Greek, Hindu, Islamic, you name it) who all have similar, if not the exact same life story, background, and supposed "all knowing, glorious power" that Jesus had. Most of these were around long before Jesus' time, and oddly enough, most of them (according to legend) were born on December 25th.
But as with every religion, Yours is right, and the other 35,000 are wrong.
