I Make My Own Science

I know the hospital is trying to replace the old tube stations. I thought you should be made aware of some research I did while I was the Dean at Cambridge.

Milling through the mass amounts of hard data I have on pneumatic tube systems, I discovered that the pros of the system were noted as early as the late 13th century, when Jibber-Jabber the Existentialist conquered the entire east coast of Delaware, he brought such pneumatic technologies to the new colony, hoping to solve the communication problems of The Old World, which had been forever plagued by phones which only rang twice, negating any possible implementations of answering machines.

However, Jibber-Jabber's colonists rebelled during the Great Teacup War of 1299, which factioned off those who thought saucers should be used versus those believing them to be abominations. The effective Saucer Gun developed by Sir Guinness McTeabag began a revolution in pneumatic warfare. Entire cities were laid to waste by this new hardware, and the investment in pneumatics got its second big jolt. Over the next seven centuries, major developments in pneumatics became mainstream in Jibber-Jabber's societies, and were used in everything from toothbrushes to telephones, from footwear to fondue. In 1902, Alexander Van Footenmouthen developed the first widespread machinery for the transmission, or "Fwooshing" as it was called, of tubes from point A to point B, and it became a modern marvel for communications. The Era of Pneumatic Tubes was nigh.

However, only since the late 1990's, with the development of DNA testing, was the true horror of pneumatic tubing made evident. As more and more tests were made public, the world was made aware of the dangers:

1. For some reason, humans exposed to the dangerous pneumatoid radiation were not aging or dying. Jibber-Jabber himself was asked about this aspect at his 843rd birthday party, at which he responded "Oh, Yeah. I never thought of that."

2. Although the aging process ceased, a whopping 125% of those exposed developed acute leprosy. Sir Guinness McTeabag, who himself had issues with his arms constantly falling off, merely stated "My bad." When asked about how percentages were over 100%, McTeabag said "Some people got it twice. Bad luck."

3. The populous exposed to pneumatoid radiation experienced a dramatic loss in appetite, save for Kraft Mac and Cheese. This was a worry for awhile, but over time, the world began to get used to the congealed goodness.
...Kraft refused to comment.

While the evidence is compelling, one should be aware of the process involved in discovering the photons emitted by the Pneumatoid Radiants. Photons have extensive mass, which is odd, because they aren't even catholic.
I have constructed a detailed algorithm to display this process:

http://farm4.static.flickr.com/3043/2659530809_579e49f4a1.jpg



Wait a sec. That's not it. That's a cute little squirrel.
HOW ADORABLE!

Anyway, here's that formula:


http://www.ucosoft.com/wp-content/uploads/Image/fml.png


This doesn't really explain anything. However, it does show that with enough equations and references to Ancient Acadia (did I mention that the Code of Hammurabi closely resembles that of The Ten Commandments, but was written 600 years earlier? How about Gilgamesh?), one's credibility is increased tenfold.

On a positive note, I believe we COULD find a possible market for running the new tube system on porridge. I don't think anybody eats it anymore.