Dementia and Peanut Butter

I'm going nuts.
I'm massively stressing out about switching jobs, going to school full-time, and trying to find someway to make ends meet at home without selling my car, getting rid of internet, and eating my feet for dinner.

I'm so goddamn depressed about all of it. I'm trying so hard to get a passing grade in Anatomy, and Joy seems to get high grades easily. I know she studies hard, but if she can get those great grades by studying just as hard as I am, and I struggle so hard to maintain my 79% average...am I making the wrond decision?

Maybe I was made to stay in the postal service my whole life, listening to fat supervisors tell me to "get to work" and "when there's time for leaning, there's time for cleaning." Living everyday with the same bullshit gossip and high school backstabbing that goes on like clockwork. Maybe I was not supposed to get any better than this.

I have been there for 3 years now...almost EVERY single day, I get someone else asking me about how to do something. What's the protocol? How do I get this receipt out of the backlog and reprint it? How do I process a bulk mailing trust? I KNOW! ASK DANN!

Why? Because I know more than the fucking people who have been there for 25 fucking years. I was called (rather foamingly) an "idiot" today (more than once) for changing the 3-month calender so it doesn't show past months. Now I don't know about you, but when I come into the post office planning when something will arrive or try to find out when I'm coming back from vacation the first thing I ask isn't "What was 3 weeks ago from Wednesday?"


I'm at the end of my rope.

How will I pay for school? Loans? That's only fine until I reach EMU. Once there I need grants or I will be BACK IN DEBT. I just got my credit card bill down from $5,000 to $1,300 in a year. Now I'm gonna go back into debt in amounts almost 5 fold that?

On top of all this, we are way behind in wedding planning. It's not Joy's fault or mine alone. Some of it was laziness. But now it seems like we never have the time to call and get addresses from people, sit down and plan the invitations and get them mailed, plan out the reception, or any of that stuff. I just don't want my wedding to reflect my "try and not succeed" image. I don't want my guests to say "I'd give that wedding a B-"

What do I do?
Shit. I drown in my own self-pity. It's nasty. I guess writing this would assume I want people to read it. I think when I began, I did...but now I'm not so sure. But like Sarah said, you don't filter a blog...you just post it. So here goes.