The Most Important Things

I've learned.

For the first time, I think my eyes are truly open as to what I want and what I need to feel safe and happy in my life. It's quite the cliche. But then, as Chris and I both know, nothing is cliche when it happens to You.

I have tried opening myself up to new feelings over the last year. New ideas, ways of life, and most importantly, the ability to adapt a concept of who I am.

I mean, sure, I'm Dann. But who gives a shit?

What I'm trying to say is, the first real dose of reality hits you at some point or another, and you realize just what is important, and what you don't give two shits about.

I've been asking myself, "If I died tomorrow? How will I be remembered? Will what I said to ______ yesterday really matter?"

As much of a blinding case of the obvious as it is, I really don't think my yelling at a sibling for not answering the phone would not be an ideal last memory for someone to have of me.

Mom and Dad,
I'm sorry I seem to have spread apart from the family in the last few years, but it has been necessary to develop into who I am, even if that person is a self-righteous asshole. But who can tell?

Jenny, I'm sorry we don't get along. But we are still brother and sister. So no matter what we believe, that is a start.

Libby, I apologize for making fun of your problems all the time. Everyone has them, and hecklers increase them exponentially.

Sarah, I'm sorry I refer to you as "Selfish and Egotistical" at times. It is basically a bad judgment, since I cannot speak for you, nor can I tell what you are thinking.

Megan, I feel horrible for taking you for granted. You are always there to say Hello, always willing to talk and have fun, and always trying to spend time with me...which I have reglected to do.

Chris, I'm sorry that our relationship has turned slightly sour over the last few years. I know this is due to many things, but I am the root of most of them. I have no excuses to make, but I want you to still remain my best friend in 30 years, because very few people understand me like you do.

Finally, Joy.
I'm sorry that I'm not the man you thought I was. You thought I was a peppy, energetic comedian who loved to make people laugh, and tell sarcastic jokes. This is mostly true. Bu there are many parts to me that unnecessarily break through...and I apologize so much for this, I love you more than I can say.

That goes for all of you.

I promise I will change.

The point.
I have many things dear to me. Up until now, I have failed miserably in letting it known that the little things in life won't matter tomorrow, or the next day. I probably won't remember them next year, either.
What I will remember are the memories I have of each person that I feel that connection to, even if I feel like that connection has weakened or snapped.

I don't want the most precious things in my life to fade away without a sense that I did what I could, when I could, and I didn't sit idly by and let it all go to shit around me.

I'm sick and tired of feeling like everything is my fault.

From now on, I plan to take responsibility for what I do, say, and portray to others. Because the old cliche says it best:

"You never appreciate what you have until its gone."