But I Jest.

(A conversation over IM with my friend Adam, another clerk at U of M)


Kraft, Adam: do you know how to enlarge on the new fax machines?
Rafferty, Dann: sorry, I was on the phone
Rafferty, Dann: no, I know very little about the new fax machines
Kraft, Adam: me either
Rafferty, Dann: you mean "neither".
Rafferty, Dann: the 2 vowels together are redundant.
Kraft, Adam: i hate you
Kraft, Adam: lol
Rafferty, Dann: the same reason you say "nor"
Rafferty, Dann: it's so you don't say neither me or ___________
Kraft, Adam: this isn't the 6th century people don't say nor any more
Rafferty, Dann: what?
Rafferty, Dann: it's proper english
Rafferty, Dann: people don't say "thee" or "forsooth" anymore.
Kraft, Adam: yea
Kraft, Adam: did you read that in a book
Rafferty, Dann: Prithee, Adam, wherefor dost thou think mine words be not of thy refinement? Dost thou find me elocutionary?
Rafferty, Dann: Fret not.
Kraft, Adam: are you hitting on me? hahaha
Rafferty, Dann: Neither me NOR my brethren findeth this amusing.
Rafferty, Dann: A DUEL IT IS!
Rafferty, Dann:
Kraft, Adam: youve read to much shakespere
Rafferty, Dann: Nay.
Rafferty, Dann: Thy feet do stinketh. And thy mother dresses thee
like a KNAVE!
Rafferty, Dann: KNAVE!
Kraft, Adam: do you go to the renassance (sp) festival
Rafferty, Dann: renaissance
Rafferty, Dann: you were closeth!
Rafferty, Dann: and no
Rafferty, Dann: I went once, and found it trite.
Kraft, Adam: your trite
Rafferty, Dann: ahem....
Kraft, Adam: you are quite right
Rafferty, Dann: "YOU'RE trite".
Rafferty, Dann: unless you think this "trite" to be a noun. Something of value. A weapon, maybe? Precious stones? Spanish Dabloons?!
Kraft, Adam: your scrabbles are up
Rafferty, Dann: I know....it's YOUR turn.

"Seinfeld" Sucked, And I'm Glad It's Over.

SEINFELD IS NOT AND NEVER WILL BE FUNNY:

Scene 1: Something normal happens.

Scene 2: George overreacts about what happened in Scene One.

Scene 3: Kramer shows up to say something crazy
like "Squirrels have eaten my socks!".

Scene 4: Jerry tells George to calm down.

END OF SHOW

I Officially Don't Make Sense

This was a recent conversation between Serpa and I that occurred when I changed my Facebook status. Note the lack of any point.
---------------
Dann just realized that being vegan means he definitely would NOT eat green eggs and ham. 8:26pm

Sarah Ann Douglas likes this comment.

Dann Gelbe Abnäher Rafferty
Not even in a box. But I definitely would like a fox.I cannot eat them in a house, but I would take a cute, pet mouse.

Megan Serpa
mice are evil.

Dann Gelbe Abnäher Rafferty
Says the person who kills them. I'd bite you, too.

Megan Serpa
you dont have to try to kill them. theyre still evil, even if youre nice to them. and may i remind you that i no longer kill anything since i got PFIRED! also, ever heard of hantavirus? yeah...you get that from MICE!!

Dann Gelbe Abnäher Rafferty
You know what ELSE YOU GET?CUDDLY, WUDDLY FACES AND CUTENESS!

Dann Gelbe Abnäher Rafferty
AND ADORABLE LITTLE FEET!

Megan Serpa
oh yeah, and a couple of big ass fangs up in your hand and HANTAVIRUS!!!!!! that shit kills. fyi. just throwing it out there.

Megan Serpa
nay nay - please feel free to pick up a mouse and cuddle it. Ill be standing there with a camera to watch your hand get chomped on.

Dann Gelbe Abnäher Rafferty
You have issues....and you probably hide them under your mattress.

Dann Gelbe Abnäher Rafferty
I suppose you don't like rats either, since they caused the plague, some, you know, 500 years ago.

Megan Serpa
only the ones with your mom on the cover! OH BURNT!!! I ♥ your mom jokes. lol, also unrelated, but you know what i thought of today? Miss Asia!! Remember her?

Megan Serpa
I love rats. dont question my affection for rats or Ill cut you, lol. only the mice are evil.

Dann Gelbe Abnäher Rafferty
So, the bigger, more-prevalent disease carriers are the evil ones. Hmmm...interesting.Remember the old palindrome: "EVIL RATS ON NO STAR LIVE"

Megan Serpa
wtf? the first half of that last comment made no sense what so ever, and greater than 33% of the mouse population in new england tests positive for hanta antibodies! so ok rats USED to carry the plague. Mice CURRENTLY carry a lethal virus that is transmitted by feces particulate! Are you ignoring my Miss Asia comment?

Dann Gelbe Abnäher Rafferty
Ms. Asia reply: Hah....ha...she wore too much make-up.
Mice continuation: If I may quote the Great Gatsby here, "Daisy went outside to retrieve her mail".

Dann Gelbe Abnäher Rafferty
....and humans carry deadly bacteria in their poop.What's the point, here?

Megan Serpa
you dont inhale human poop.

Megan Serpa
generally.

Dann Gelbe Abnäher Rafferty
Says who?

Megan Serpa
ummmm...human fecal bacteria is generally spread by contact to exposed areas (like when stupid little kids stick their poopy hands in their eyes and mouth). If you have a mouse problem in your basement, their dessicated shit becomes particulate which you then inhale, develop hanta, and DIE.

Dann Gelbe Abnäher Rafferty
I eat my poop all the time. CASE CLOSED.

Megan Serpa
haha. and once again, thank you for proving my point. you ingest your poop; you dont dry it out and then smoke it in a pipe. inhalation does not equal ingestion. FAIL!!!

Dann Gelbe Abnäher Rafferty
Oh, don't get me wrong. I totally smoke my poo as well. It makes some good Doobage.

Dann Gelbe Abnäher Rafferty
See if you like my new slogan: "Poo-smoke. Like apple pie except with poop, and not so many apples."

Megan Serpa
LOL. oh, i love you. I bet Joy loves making out with you after you've been smoking your poo. Sexy time!

Dann Gelbe Abnäher Rafferty
Random golf joke: Your mom likes it in the rough.

Dann Gelbe Abnäher Rafferty
Is that why you're bitter and unhappy? because you're afraid of cute things and are unable to love...and therefore, by proxy, dead inside?

Megan Serpa
your FACE likes it in the rough. Did you watch "im on a boat?"

Dann Gelbe Abnäher Rafferty
...cuz mice love you.

Dann Gelbe Abnäher Rafferty
Not yet...I'm at work.

Megan Serpa
you suck, and the mice hate you too.

Dann Gelbe Abnäher Rafferty
...and you used the word "particulates". Stop watching "Bones".

Dann Gelbe Abnäher Rafferty
She didn't accept the invite yet. I think she's afraid.

Dann Gelbe Abnäher Rafferty
Hey...You vanished. Did I win?

Dann Gelbe Abnäher Rafferty
THE DAY IS MINE!

Megan Serpa
she disappeared - Nicole is fearless of nothing, save clingy men and bible thumpers (particularly if they are one in the same). and, btw, i know what particulate means because I received a 5th grade edumacation, thank you very much. :D

Dann Gelbe Abnäher Rafferty
I love it when you talk Ebonics to me.

Jesus Christ...I mean...shit.

With Sarah's birthday come and gone, and another one on the way for me, I've been thinking a lot lately about how time has begun whizzing by like one of those damn bees who buzzes by you really fast, then you think its gone and it buzzes back, and you're there swinging your arms around looking like a kid being attacked by Fire Ants.

But I digress.

I remember graduating from high school like it was yesterday. It was NINE FRIGGIN' YEARS AGO!

Now granted, I don't remember all of my high school years:


This picture, for example, I have no recollection of being taken. Despite the fact that my double chin is invading the western hemisphere, I have quite the baby face. Apparently it was taken on a trip to see The Phantom of the Opera.


This one was taken just before a performance of An Evening at the Ritz Ballroom, which was a mime performance we put on with a little help from Michael Lee and the Opus Mime Company. While many of us would love to forget that memory, I must admit it made me realize how much acting is about facial and bodily expression, and not just memorizing your lines and trying to pronounce the word "oilier" (nod to Serpa).

So much has changed since high school. And yet, so many things haven't. Which is I think the problem, really. I know that as my birthday rolls around, my deathly fear of turning 30 (pipe down) is mostly due to the fact that I feel like I should've been crazy successful by now. I don't remember the entirety of my 20's, but intricately remember individual years: Earning my first lead role on my 20th, getting drunk at Theo's for my 21st, falling in love in my 23rd, moving out in my 24th, getting married in my 25th...

I guess my point is that I never really noticed how accurately put the cheesy phrase "Life is composed of a series of moments" really is. You recall something here, something there, and the rest is all wallpaper.


Now, as I begin my 27th year, I'll have to focus on my Peter Ustinov impression:

Every Time Eric Eats a Banana...

Another Classic Rafferwoodism.

Always reminds me of Sarah.

Being Lonely Sucks Balls.

Today is officially the sixth day I have been Joyless, as she has been shanghaied by my mothra and sistren to the Great Unknown (Carnival Cruises).

Needless to say, I am going out of my mind.

Not with worry anymore, but more with generalized anxiety. Loneliness, and moreover, getting some stupid chest pain transforming into something hideously winged.

I spent the entire first 3 days (off from work) playing video games, eating pizza and Oreos, and sleeping. It was fun for about a day. Then it got old and smelly. It has since moved onto the phase one would normally reference in a "dead baby" joke.


I'm now sleeping 3 hours a night. I'm exhausted but can't get to sleep. Although I hate, HATE sleeping with the light on, I can't fall asleep without a light on when Joy isn't there. She usually fights off the monsters.

Also, I cancelled a poker party I arranged a week earlier...ten minutes after confirming the time on that day with everyone. Why?

Well, as we all know, I tell the jokes.

Joy has the personality, and I tell the jokes. I had this enormous feeling that I couldn't be both for that 2 hours. Plus, the house was a wreck, and I felt I could only muster enough energy from my lethargic slump to clean it once for Joy before she got home.

Yeah, I guess it's selfish, but whatever.
I want my wife back, dammit!

Joy! Come home!

The Little Giant Vacuum Cleaner

...from Walla Walla, Washington.

Make sure you turn off the annotations (bottom right menu button, then click the top option).

"Cannibals!"