Why I'm Always So Angry

Am I really as bad as people say I am?

Am I really as judgmental, selfish and rude as they think?

I have been really angry, tense, and moreover depressed over the last few weeks or so...but it has finally hit the apex. I've wigged out, broken down, and refused to talk about it, which is very tough for me to do.

Apparently, I judge people all the time. Constantly. Like, innately...without even trying.
That's some feat.

This has nothing to do with religion. I know this blog is mostly only read by Sarah and Joy, but if certain people get wind of it. Know this. God still doesn't exist. So don't patronize me.

on that note...

I am always hearing about how I'm judging someone, being rude, being insensitive, or not caring.
I'm pretty much fucking sick of it.

I HATE MYSELF.

I HATE WHO I AM,
I HATE WHAT I DO, and most importantly,
I FUCKING HATE WHAT I SAY.

Everything that comes out of my mouth is full of half-witted, supposed shit, much of which I exaggerate right before I say it, just to make it sound worse in my favor. I say things incorrectly, make words up, use words incorrectly, and then turn them into something that wouldn't even sound like english.

What else?

I HATE MY MEMORY.

My speech would probably improve exponentially if I could member what day it fucking was half the time. Whenever I have a point to make to someone, I stop halfway through because I don't remember what my point was. Meanwhile, the other person is (once again) heaving a huge sigh, wondering what the fuck I'm getting at, and why I haven't had the decency to shut the fuck up yet.

I HATE MY LIFE.

I hate the fact that I'm living day-to-day, suffering through a mindless job full of hypocritical assholes who don't give a shit about anything but themselves, trying to do my job while being constantly harrassed all day, and then getting told that I'm lazy.

I hate coming home to find out that all I do is say ridiculous shit that makes my wife and family members think I'm an asshole, or that I have preconceived notions about people that aren't true. I'm sick of being the kid that no one wants to listen to. The one they just point at the corner and let him talk to the wallpaper. Because no matter what, he didn't have anything important to say in the first place.

I feel like no one takes me seriously.
I feel like no one appreciates me, which is well-founded if this is really how I am.
I feel like I'm just an ugly, unattractive troll who is good for a laugh if he can't get out a coherent sentence without creating new words or repeating himself for four hours.

I'm just sick of being me.
I think you all are, too.