The Dannimal!

Here We Go Again.

2010-05-21T18:41:00.000-07:00

Soooooooo...

Krystle is gone.
I almost want to add a "lol" to that statement.

She went away on a trip with friends for a week when I wrote the previous post. She returned, we hung out once for a few hours, and then she hasn't spoen to me in 3 weeks since. We can speculate that either she lost interest or found someone else...but I will never know, so at this point I don't care.

I met someone else a week later (always the way it seems...life is funny). We met strictly as friends, because while on this dating website there is an option for strict friends. She actually contacted me first, so we started talking, texting, etc, just talking about life and whatnot. However, we started having that "well...maybe" kind of feeling about each other. We deciding to try dating exclusively, and so far, so good. I will NOT mention her name (to ward off the 3-week curse), but I will say that she is a little younger than me. By about 8 years. However, I don't see that as a problem since even at that age she is a shit ton more mature than my childish, cheating ex-wife :)

Everything else from the previous post is the same. I will update again when I find out about nursing school next month.

God save the queen, and all that what.

Time Goes By...

2010-04-29T18:07:00.000-07:00

Note to self: Try writing more than once every 6 months.

LOVE
Well where do I begin...my divorce from Joy was official as of December 3rd, 2009. I'm GLAD. VERY glad. UBER glad. I've begun actually noticing the number of ways in which Joy and I were incompatible, and how she stunted me and my personality. She belittled me in public, made me feel inadequate, and manipulated me. Time to start anew.

The girl I wrote about last October...we are no longer together. It turns out she didn't quite feel the same way I did. Chock it all up to experience, I guess.

Since November, if I am counting correctly, I have dated another....ummm....let's see...4 women. Most didn't last longer than 3 weeks. One lasted 3 days when I discovered she had cheated on her previous boyfriend frequently over the course of a year. Obviously, my response was along the lines of "Yeah...I'm out."

However, I stopped seeing every potential relationship as a failure on my part, and realized that they are learning experiences. Everytime I date someone, I learn the ropes and see what it is I should be looking for (and also what to look out for).

I recently (about 2 weeks ago) began dating Krystle. The phrase "stop looking for love and it's sure to seek you out" is very true. Oddly enough, she feels more natural to me than any woman so far. I feel like she understands me, which is a feat in itself since a recently divorced man with tons of debt and A.D.D. is already a handful. However, I vowed to myself that I won't screw this one up.

LIFE
In true divorce fashion, I moved back to my parents' house. Hopefully, only until October or so. It really depends. My friend and I are hoping to move into a townhouse in Ann Arbor, but they have a long wait list.

I am trying to pay off bills and save some money before the move, but it's proving difficult:

1. Since I am now "Single" on my W2, I am taking home roughly 100 bucks less per paycheck.

2. I have had to do some expensive car repair.

3. I am now using more gas since I am driving 20-30 miles more each day.

HEALTH

This is the good part :-)

I began going to the gym with my friend Dustin in February. We started going 5 to 6 days a week, doing cardio and intense weight-lifting for 2 hours. However, I soon burned out and got really sick with a 103 fever. My immune system crapped out.

NOW...I am still going 5 days a week or so, but instead of going consecutively, I am going 2 days, take a day off....3 days on....then a days off. The recuperation helps a lot. I have started seeing real progress. My arms, shoulders, chest, and stomach are looking better than I have ever looked. I look muscular for the first time in my life. I have also started running again, and have lost most of the remaining fat. Only a little left on my stomach, of course.

"Peoples is Peoples"

2009-11-06T19:27:00.000-08:00

I haven't written anything is awhile. I'm sitting here at work, bored stiff. So I thought...what the hell. Might as well write something.

For the first time in my life, I think the only thing I can say is that life is happening. I'm going to work, paying bills, trying to get past the whole divorce thing (with amiable success, I feel, as horrifying as the first 6 months were), and spending a lot of time reflecting on what direction said life is going in. I have no clue. But it feels...okay, actually.

As much I hate cliches, I must say that many doors are now closed to me, but others have opened. I'm spending a lot of time with a person who has become very special to me in recent weeks. Although the path ahead is uncertain, I do know that right now I enjoy walking that path with her, and I hope we continue to. I'm not mentioning her name because she "kinda sorta" wouldn't want me to ;)

She's an assassin.

Anyway, in terms of myself, I have begun working on a new strategy (many, actually) to pay off my credit card bill as much as possible before nursing school.

Aha. Nursing School.

This is another point I have come to. I am not giving up nursing school. Far from it. However, I have realized that I probably shouldn't be focusing on only one school. There are hospitals everywhere. I could easily move somewhere else (I was looking at Pittsburgh awhile back. They have a nice, new pediatric hospital) and find a job there, paying off bills and going to school there. The great thing about a medical career is that there is no shortage of jobs. People are always going to need hospitals. Of course, the only real kink in that is I can't afford an apartment right now. But if that is the only thing in the way...it's worth a thought.

I will have to make another sit rep (nod to Sarah) when I find out more info.

I will leave you with a limerick:

When finding the love you embrace,
No matter a person or place,
Life is too quick,
To not take a risk,
...and never stop saying "Your Face!"

It's Happening.

2009-09-30T18:15:00.000-07:00

Well, as most people are probably aware of, Joy and I are getting divorced. This is not something I take lightly...as a matter of fact, I fought it for a long time. I won't go into the details as those are not only personal, but also quite inconsequential at this point. This is happening. The ball is rolling. The papers are filed.

I realize now that although you may think you've planned something down to the last minute detail, life can still throw you a curve ball. No matter how hard it hits you, at some point you have to get back on your feet and keep playing the game. Pardon the horrible analogy, but it's true.

In the beginning, I was a wreck. I felt betrayed, unloved, lied to, and most of all...abandoned. It was not uncommon to see me crumbled up on my floor screaming my face off. Although I was now living alone, I slept on the couch for 3 months. When I slept at all.

I know now that I have to move on. It's been a long 7 months. I stopped fighting it awhile ago, and just decided to sit back and watch what happened...but that doesn't work either. I'd just be lying there in the dirt.

But little by little, you start reading, reflecting, and realizing that you can't project those feelings you have on the entire world. It wasn't the world that shit on you. This is part of life. You have to learn to trust yourself, trust others, and continue the life you wanted to have for yourself...and even with another person. Which as we all know is very important to me. Many divorced friends tell me they never want to be married again. I do. Very much so. But this time I will do it right. I will approach it with the same confidence I have in myself (now more than ever) and make sure I don't fall in the same holes.

Filling out the rest of the paperwork actually gave me a slight feeling of release. Release from 7 months of tension and hurt. Now I have to learn to leave it where it is. That weight is no longer mine to carry. I need to be reading to lift up and support a new life. One that will support me when I need it to. I've spent too much time feeling alone and bleeding to death in the street. It's a horrifying feeling. I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy.

Thank you for listening.

Update

2009-06-18T13:08:00.000-07:00

I haven't posted anything in awhile, although I am definitely not short on material. It's just not worth plastering all over the internet. It has been a rough few months, and it's not over yet (nod).

I realize the road ahead will be rocky, but I'm hoping the worst trenches are behind. I may be wrong, but unless I look into the situation with a small degree of optimism, I might as well not try at all. After all, Gretzky said it best. "You miss 100% of the shots you don't take."

I'm taking this shot.

It's Apparently Hard to Tell a Joke...

2009-04-25T19:04:00.001-07:00

Rafferty, Dann: Let's play a game.
Rafferty, Dann: One of us comes up with the first line for a joke, then the other one has to finish with a punch line.
Kraft, Adam: ok i got one
Kraft, Adam: do you like fishsticks?
Rafferty, Dann: hmmm....
Kraft, Adam: say yes
Rafferty, Dann: yes
Rafferty, Dann: I know where this is going
Kraft, Adam: where is it going
Rafferty, Dann: continue
Rafferty, Dann: finish your joke
Kraft, Adam: i implore you enlighten me
Rafferty, Dann: cuz I've got one now
Kraft, Adam: ok do yours
Kraft, Adam: you know mine
Rafferty, Dann: what about the punchline of yours?
Rafferty, Dann: gotta finish it now.
Kraft, Adam: fine
Kraft, Adam: what are you a gay fish
Rafferty, Dann: oh jesus.
Rafferty, Dann: lame
Rafferty, Dann: ok, here goes.
Rafferty, Dann: Your grandma is so fat...
Rafferty, Dann: (your cue)
Kraft, Adam: that mountain dew had to change their name cuz she took up so much room .
Rafferty, Dann: what?
Rafferty, Dann: no, that's not your cue, stupid!
Rafferty, Dann: althought I am audibly laughing at my desk.
Rafferty, Dann: Your grandma is sooooooo fat...
Rafferty, Dann: (ahem)
Kraft, Adam: are you making fun of me now? i don't get it
Rafferty, Dann: oh good god
Rafferty, Dann: You're supposed to say "How fat IS she?"
Rafferty, Dann: let's try this again.
Rafferty, Dann: "Your grandmother is SO fat..."
Kraft, Adam: what do you want me to say?
Rafferty, Dann: SEE ABOVE, GENIUS.
Kraft, Adam: how fat IS he?
Rafferty, Dann: she
Rafferty, Dann: not he.
Kraft, Adam: i know i just wanted to frazzle you
Rafferty, Dann: unless she has problems.
Rafferty, Dann: Your grandmother is soooooo fat...
Rafferty, Dann: That when the Lift Team came to use the Hoyer lift on her, it snapped in three pieces, flying shrapnel everywhere and hit the tech in the leg and he died of tetanus.
Rafferty, Dann: ...your turn.
Kraft, Adam: i thought we were making jokes
Rafferty, Dann: it was.
Kraft, Adam: no
Kraft, Adam: i think you took that from an ER episode
Rafferty, Dann: what?
Rafferty, Dann: I don't watch ER
Kraft, Adam: lol
Rafferty, Dann: only gay fish watch ER.

Next Time, Seven More.

2009-04-22T15:05:00.000-07:00

Another work conversation with Adam. I had ONE HOUR of sleep and taken 2 exams that day:

------------------------------------------

Rafferty, Dann: ONE HOUR OF SLEEP! WHOOOOOO!!!!!!!
Kraft, Adam: steven adler stole my buddies wallet
Rafferty, Dann: huh?
Kraft, Adam: the original drummer for guns and roses
Kraft, Adam: he was on celebrity rehab lol
Rafferty, Dann: haha
Kraft, Adam: your going to fall asleep at your desk
Rafferty, Dann: almost did once already
Kraft, Adam: lol better get some coffee
Kraft, Adam: you have tommorrow off?
Rafferty, Dann: yeah...already had some
Kraft, Adam: do you work friday
Rafferty, Dann: yeah, fri-sun
Kraft, Adam: you want to become a bounty hunter with me
Rafferty, Dann: one sec
Rafferty, Dann: how so?
Kraft, Adam: we prolly have to take a lil class then you get your license to bounty hunt
Rafferty, Dann: coo
Kraft, Adam: u down
Rafferty, Dann: yeah...who I gotz ta kill, boss?
Kraft, Adam: its not like that
Rafferty, Dann: shucks
Kraft, Adam: i'm gunna be like dog the bounty hunter but better
Rafferty, Dann: complete with trailer-trash theme?
Kraft, Adam: of course
Kraft, Adam: i think mine will be a montage of me spraying assorted animals and food products with mace
Rafferty, Dann: hahahahahahahahahahhahahaha
Rafferty, Dann: mace the Spam
Rafferty, Dann: and call it "Bra."
Kraft, Adam: lol
Kraft, Adam: oo
Kraft, Adam: and i like the classical music on my phone
Kraft, Adam: i don't know where it came from but it sounds cool
Rafferty, Dann: ee
Rafferty, Dann: I added my other 2 tattoos to my alnum on FB
Kraft, Adam: they have alnums on facebook now?
Rafferty, Dann: umm...since forever.
Rafferty, Dann: Grandpa.
Kraft, Adam: lol
Kraft, Adam: i need a new job
Rafferty, Dann: yeah yeah
Rafferty, Dann: we know alrwady
Rafferty, Dann: me too
Rafferty, Dann: we say this every night.
Rafferty, Dann: How about stripper?
Rafferty, Dann: The Vu is always looking.
Kraft, Adam: alrwady huh i like when your tired because you misspell things like i do when i'm not tired
Kraft, Adam: hahahah
Kraft, Adam: u up?
Rafferty, Dann: huh?
Rafferty, Dann: oh
Rafferty, Dann: uh huh
Kraft, Adam: lol
Rafferty, Dann: alrwady....hahahaha
Rafferty, Dann: sounds like a name.
Rafferty, Dann: Alfred R. Wady
Rafferty, Dann: I have never been this fucking tired.
Rafferty, Dann: exhausted.
Rafferty, Dann: POOPED.
Kraft, Adam: 1 hour of sleep will do that to you
Rafferty, Dann: yup
Rafferty, Dann: I can't think straight up here.,
Rafferty, Dann: hope I don't have a ____________
Rafferty, Dann: not gonna say it
Kraft, Adam: yea
Rafferty, Dann: AAAARRRGGGHH!H!HH!!!!! TIRED!!!!!!
Kraft, Adam: go home sick
Rafferty, Dann: can't
Rafferty, Dann: already on the boss' shit list
Rafferty, Dann: notice the awesome grammar there.
Rafferty, Dann: and sweet usage of the apostrophe.
Kraft, Adam: lol
Kraft, Adam: y you on the boss' list
Rafferty, Dann: cuz I called in a lot when I started having marriage issues. Called off almost an entire week.
Rafferty, Dann: couldn't focus.
Rafferty, Dann: kept leaving
Rafferty, Dann: shit like that\
Rafferty, Dann: but dude...understandable.
Kraft, Adam: yea
Rafferty, Dann: I was freaking out.
Kraft, Adam: did she say anything to you
Rafferty, Dann: Bethany?
Rafferty, Dann: I had "the talk".
Rafferty, Dann: but it was okay, cuz my dad gave me the same talk when I was 12.
Rafferty, Dann: hahahahahahahahahahahahahgivemeyourmoneyhahahahahaha
Kraft, Adam: the talk
Kraft, Adam: lol
Rafferty, Dann: hahahahahahahahamakemeacheesecakehahahahahhaa
Rafferty, Dann: hahahahahhaIneedtofuckingsleepgoddamitallhahahahah
Kraft, Adam: your loosing it
Rafferty, Dann: yup
Kraft, Adam: if maria never said anything who cares lol
Rafferty, Dann: meh
Rafferty, Dann: im too tired to y typ[e
Rafferty, Dann: i ahate typing when im tired aor exhausted. m6y fingers wont mvoe coreevtkly.
Kraft, Adam: lol
Rafferty, Dann: wehat flooooooor you on?
Kraft, Adam: 7
Kraft, Adam: mott
Rafferty, Dann: im sitting here playing with the chime that rings when you hiot enter without typoing anything
Kraft, Adam: lol i don't know how you do it
Kraft, Adam: i would be on my way home right now
Rafferty, Dann: I';m making upo a song
Kraft, Adam: or drinking an energy drink
Rafferty, Dann: MONSTER!
Rafferty, Dann: hospital dont have zem sir!
Rafferty, Dann: ZEEG HEIL!
Rafferty, Dann: Mein herring!
Rafferty, Dann: fishy pants Mcgee!
Rafferty, Dann: smell like turpentine and poopy pants!
Kraft, Adam: they sell full throttle in the machines
Rafferty, Dann: me eat snow
Rafferty, Dann: me hit head, go ow.
Rafferty, Dann: head spinn likee horsey in windschtorm
Rafferty, Dann: go wheee!
Rafferty, Dann: words sbluurrring togehhher
Rafferty, Dann: iom gonna try ana dtypew "sleep" without looking.
Rafferty, Dann: s;eep
Rafferty, Dann: sleerpp
Rafferty, Dann: sleep
Rafferty, Dann: yay!
Kraft, Adam: your nuts
Rafferty, Dann: 3 tries
Rafferty, Dann: YOU'RE nuts!
Rafferty, Dann: MWA HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAAHA!!!!!!
Rafferty, Dann: ]unless you mewan my perschunul schtash
Kraft, Adam: lol

But I Jest.

2009-04-16T17:59:00.000-07:00

(A conversation over IM with my friend Adam, another clerk at U of M)

Kraft, Adam: do you know how to enlarge on the new fax machines?
Rafferty, Dann: sorry, I was on the phone
Rafferty, Dann: no, I know very little about the new fax machines
Kraft, Adam: me either
Rafferty, Dann: you mean "neither".
Rafferty, Dann: the 2 vowels together are redundant.
Kraft, Adam: i hate you
Kraft, Adam: lol
Rafferty, Dann: the same reason you say "nor"
Rafferty, Dann: it's so you don't say neither me or ___________
Kraft, Adam: this isn't the 6th century people don't say nor any more
Rafferty, Dann: what?
Rafferty, Dann: it's proper english
Rafferty, Dann: people don't say "thee" or "forsooth" anymore.
Kraft, Adam: yea
Kraft, Adam: did you read that in a book
Rafferty, Dann: Prithee, Adam, wherefor dost thou think mine words be not of thy refinement? Dost thou find me elocutionary?
Rafferty, Dann: Fret not.
Kraft, Adam: are you hitting on me? hahaha
Rafferty, Dann: Neither me NOR my brethren findeth this amusing.
Rafferty, Dann: A DUEL IT IS!
Rafferty, Dann:
Kraft, Adam: youve read to much shakespere
Rafferty, Dann: Nay.
Rafferty, Dann: Thy feet do stinketh. And thy mother dresses thee
like a KNAVE!
Rafferty, Dann: KNAVE!
Kraft, Adam: do you go to the renassance (sp) festival
Rafferty, Dann: renaissance
Rafferty, Dann: you were closeth!
Rafferty, Dann: and no
Rafferty, Dann: I went once, and found it trite.
Kraft, Adam: your trite
Rafferty, Dann: ahem....
Kraft, Adam: you are quite right
Rafferty, Dann: "YOU'RE trite".
Rafferty, Dann: unless you think this "trite" to be a noun. Something of value. A weapon, maybe? Precious stones? Spanish Dabloons?!
Kraft, Adam: your scrabbles are up
Rafferty, Dann: I know....it's YOUR turn.

"Seinfeld" Sucked, And I'm Glad It's Over.

2009-02-25T20:38:00.000-08:00

SEINFELD IS NOT AND NEVER WILL BE FUNNY:

Scene 1: Something normal happens.

Scene 2: George overreacts about what happened in Scene One.

Scene 3: Kramer shows up to say something crazy
like "Squirrels have eaten my socks!".

Scene 4: Jerry tells George to calm down.

END OF SHOW

I Officially Don't Make Sense

2009-02-24T18:49:00.000-08:00

This was a recent conversation between Serpa and I that occurred when I changed my Facebook status. Note the lack of any point.
---------------
Dann just realized that being vegan means he definitely would NOT eat green eggs and ham. 8:26pm

Sarah Ann Douglas likes this comment.

Dann Gelbe Abnäher Rafferty
Not even in a box. But I definitely would like a fox.I cannot eat them in a house, but I would take a cute, pet mouse.

Megan Serpa
mice are evil.

Dann Gelbe Abnäher Rafferty
Says the person who kills them. I'd bite you, too.

Megan Serpa
you dont have to try to kill them. theyre still evil, even if youre nice to them. and may i remind you that i no longer kill anything since i got PFIRED! also, ever heard of hantavirus? yeah...you get that from MICE!!

Dann Gelbe Abnäher Rafferty
You know what ELSE YOU GET?CUDDLY, WUDDLY FACES AND CUTENESS!

Dann Gelbe Abnäher Rafferty
AND ADORABLE LITTLE FEET!

Megan Serpa
oh yeah, and a couple of big ass fangs up in your hand and HANTAVIRUS!!!!!! that shit kills. fyi. just throwing it out there.

Megan Serpa
nay nay - please feel free to pick up a mouse and cuddle it. Ill be standing there with a camera to watch your hand get chomped on.

Dann Gelbe Abnäher Rafferty
You have issues....and you probably hide them under your mattress.

Dann Gelbe Abnäher Rafferty
I suppose you don't like rats either, since they caused the plague, some, you know, 500 years ago.

Megan Serpa
only the ones with your mom on the cover! OH BURNT!!! I ♥ your mom jokes. lol, also unrelated, but you know what i thought of today? Miss Asia!! Remember her?

Megan Serpa
I love rats. dont question my affection for rats or Ill cut you, lol. only the mice are evil.

Dann Gelbe Abnäher Rafferty
So, the bigger, more-prevalent disease carriers are the evil ones. Hmmm...interesting.Remember the old palindrome: "EVIL RATS ON NO STAR LIVE"

Megan Serpa
wtf? the first half of that last comment made no sense what so ever, and greater than 33% of the mouse population in new england tests positive for hanta antibodies! so ok rats USED to carry the plague. Mice CURRENTLY carry a lethal virus that is transmitted by feces particulate! Are you ignoring my Miss Asia comment?

Dann Gelbe Abnäher Rafferty
Ms. Asia reply: Hah....ha...she wore too much make-up.
Mice continuation: If I may quote the Great Gatsby here, "Daisy went outside to retrieve her mail".

Dann Gelbe Abnäher Rafferty
....and humans carry deadly bacteria in their poop.What's the point, here?

Megan Serpa
you dont inhale human poop.

Megan Serpa
generally.

Dann Gelbe Abnäher Rafferty
Says who?

Megan Serpa
ummmm...human fecal bacteria is generally spread by contact to exposed areas (like when stupid little kids stick their poopy hands in their eyes and mouth). If you have a mouse problem in your basement, their dessicated shit becomes particulate which you then inhale, develop hanta, and DIE.

Dann Gelbe Abnäher Rafferty
I eat my poop all the time. CASE CLOSED.

Megan Serpa
haha. and once again, thank you for proving my point. you ingest your poop; you dont dry it out and then smoke it in a pipe. inhalation does not equal ingestion. FAIL!!!

Dann Gelbe Abnäher Rafferty
Oh, don't get me wrong. I totally smoke my poo as well. It makes some good Doobage.

Dann Gelbe Abnäher Rafferty
See if you like my new slogan: "Poo-smoke. Like apple pie except with poop, and not so many apples."

Megan Serpa
LOL. oh, i love you. I bet Joy loves making out with you after you've been smoking your poo. Sexy time!

Dann Gelbe Abnäher Rafferty
Random golf joke: Your mom likes it in the rough.

Dann Gelbe Abnäher Rafferty
Is that why you're bitter and unhappy? because you're afraid of cute things and are unable to love...and therefore, by proxy, dead inside?

Megan Serpa
your FACE likes it in the rough. Did you watch "im on a boat?"

Dann Gelbe Abnäher Rafferty
...cuz mice love you.

Dann Gelbe Abnäher Rafferty
Not yet...I'm at work.

Megan Serpa
you suck, and the mice hate you too.

Dann Gelbe Abnäher Rafferty
...and you used the word "particulates". Stop watching "Bones".

Dann Gelbe Abnäher Rafferty
She didn't accept the invite yet. I think she's afraid.

Dann Gelbe Abnäher Rafferty
Hey...You vanished. Did I win?

Dann Gelbe Abnäher Rafferty
THE DAY IS MINE!

Megan Serpa
she disappeared - Nicole is fearless of nothing, save clingy men and bible thumpers (particularly if they are one in the same). and, btw, i know what particulate means because I received a 5th grade edumacation, thank you very much. :D

Dann Gelbe Abnäher Rafferty
I love it when you talk Ebonics to me.

Jesus Christ...I mean...shit.

2009-02-11T18:18:00.000-08:00

With Sarah's birthday come and gone, and another one on the way for me, I've been thinking a lot lately about how time has begun whizzing by like one of those damn bees who buzzes by you really fast, then you think its gone and it buzzes back, and you're there swinging your arms around looking like a kid being attacked by Fire Ants.

But I digress.

I remember graduating from high school like it was yesterday. It was NINE FRIGGIN' YEARS AGO!

Now granted, I don't remember all of my high school years:

This picture, for example, I have no recollection of being taken. Despite the fact that my double chin is invading the western hemisphere, I have quite the baby face. Apparently it was taken on a trip to see The Phantom of the Opera.

This one was taken just before a performance of An Evening at the Ritz Ballroom, which was a mime performance we put on with a little help from Michael Lee and the Opus Mime Company. While many of us would love to forget that memory, I must admit it made me realize how much acting is about facial and bodily expression, and not just memorizing your lines and trying to pronounce the word "oilier" (nod to Serpa).

So much has changed since high school. And yet, so many things haven't. Which is I think the problem, really. I know that as my birthday rolls around, my deathly fear of turning 30 (pipe down) is mostly due to the fact that I feel like I should've been crazy successful by now. I don't remember the entirety of my 20's, but intricately remember individual years: Earning my first lead role on my 20th, getting drunk at Theo's for my 21st, falling in love in my 23rd, moving out in my 24th, getting married in my 25th...

I guess my point is that I never really noticed how accurately put the cheesy phrase "Life is composed of a series of moments" really is. You recall something here, something there, and the rest is all wallpaper.

Now, as I begin my 27th year, I'll have to focus on my Peter Ustinov impression:

Every Time Eric Eats a Banana...

2009-01-31T15:53:00.000-08:00

Another Classic Rafferwoodism.

Always reminds me of Sarah.

Being Lonely Sucks Balls.

2009-01-30T18:29:00.000-08:00

Today is officially the sixth day I have been Joyless, as she has been shanghaied by my mothra and sistren to the Great Unknown (Carnival Cruises).

Needless to say, I am going out of my mind.

Not with worry anymore, but more with generalized anxiety. Loneliness, and moreover, getting some stupid chest pain transforming into something hideously winged.

I spent the entire first 3 days (off from work) playing video games, eating pizza and Oreos, and sleeping. It was fun for about a day. Then it got old and smelly. It has since moved onto the phase one would normally reference in a "dead baby" joke.

I'm now sleeping 3 hours a night. I'm exhausted but can't get to sleep. Although I hate, HATE sleeping with the light on, I can't fall asleep without a light on when Joy isn't there. She usually fights off the monsters.

Also, I cancelled a poker party I arranged a week earlier...ten minutes after confirming the time on that day with everyone. Why?

Well, as we all know, I tell the jokes.

Joy has the personality, and I tell the jokes. I had this enormous feeling that I couldn't be both for that 2 hours. Plus, the house was a wreck, and I felt I could only muster enough energy from my lethargic slump to clean it once for Joy before she got home.

Yeah, I guess it's selfish, but whatever.
I want my wife back, dammit!

Joy! Come home!

The Little Giant Vacuum Cleaner

2009-01-23T16:19:00.001-08:00

...from Walla Walla, Washington.

Make sure you turn off the annotations (bottom right menu button, then click the top option).

"Cannibals!"

Looking Back...

2009-01-21T14:39:00.001-08:00

As was the case when I saw some old He-Man cartoons on YouTube...I once again wonder how I thought this was "awesome" (like a hot dog).

Nostalgic, yes. Awesome, nay.
The guy is a little too happy with his waxy chest.

Stein Um Stein

2009-01-08T19:13:00.000-08:00

This is another great Rammstein song. This is not the video, but more a follow-along translation. The song is kind of dark in nature, but the last chorus (i.e. the last minute or so) is fantastic...it gets stuck in your head and sound really cool.

You all think I'm crazy.
But it's not I who am crazy...it is I who am MAD!

Boredom is Danngerous

2008-12-31T19:08:00.001-08:00

Me.
On lunch.
Bored.

As usual, I'm still awesome.

Top 10 Things That Should Cease Next Year

2008-12-31T14:58:00.000-08:00

I have compiled a short list of things this year which I hope mankind will leave out of the upcoming '09. Many of them are holiday themed, but this was completely by accident. They're just the ones fresh in my head.

1. Whenever you ask someone the date (asking them for example, "Is today the 10th?) they respond with "All day!" and a dumb little chuckle.

2. When people leave your house or work on New Year's Eve, and they say "See you next year!" Seriously, people. It's really getting old.

3. These stupid hats. You don't look cool.

4. I know it's a religious thing, but if everyone (they say it on the news, too) would stop saying "Peace and everlasting glory be upon him" everytime Muhammad was mentioned, news reports would be a lot shorter.

5. Quit saying "Jesus is the reason for the season". Let's not get into all the pagan roots, the german origin of the Christmas tree, or even the rotation of the Earth's axis...it's a cheesy and hokey saying.

6. This new year, 2009, Americans once again have another chance to start using their goddamn turn signals.

7. No...you are NOT the first person to make the USPS "going postal" joke, and it's still stupid.

8. Depoliticalcorrectnessitization. Put Oscar back in his Garbage can and away from the recycling, let Cookie Monster raid Mrs. Fields, and stop patronizing kids with this hokey Dora the Explorer and the Creepy Dude with the tickle-sword.

9. 3 words: Hanna Montana, Flamethrower.

10. NEW CHRISTMAS SONGS. I don't know about you guys, but I don't "throw on the Yule log", roast chesnuts, toast marshmellons, or tell christmas "ghost stories". Plus, all the religious Xmas songs have 8 verses, all of which say the same thing the previous one did (only using one syllable to say long words like "heav'n" and "glor'yus"). You need songs people can relate to. Create some songs about "Dashing through the Winter Wonderland" in attempt to find a Toys-R-Us that has a Wii.

A Classic Remade!

2008-12-30T20:33:00.001-08:00

Everyone!

Watch this short trailer...good times coming soon!

EUREKA!

2008-12-22T16:35:00.000-08:00

Yes!

I've finally started posting stuff that no one gives a shit about!
Oh, wait. That was always the problem.

False alarm.

Reise, Reise (Live)

2008-12-21T12:59:00.000-08:00

Another great song, this time live.
I know most of you don't care, but whatever.

Rosenrot

2008-12-20T13:22:00.000-08:00

This is the best song. Ever. Hands down.
The chorus is just so catchy.

I'll post the translation of the lyrics below...it helps you understand the point.

"ROSENROT" (Rose Red)

A girl saw a little rose
It bloomed there in bright heights
She asked her sweetheart
if he could fetch it for her

She wants it and that's fine
So it was and so it will always be
She wants it and that's the custom
Whatever she wants she gets

---CHORUS---
Deep wells must be dug
if you want clear water
Rose-red, oh Rose-red
Deep waters don't run still

The boy climbs the mountain in torment
He doesn't really care about the view
Only the little rose is on his mind
He brings it to his sweetheart

She wants it and that's fine
So it was and so it will always be
She wants it and that's the custom
Whatever she wants she gets

(CHORUS)

At his boots, a stone breaks
Doesn't want to be on the cliff anymore
And a scream lets everyone know
Both are falling to the ground

She wants it and that's fine
So it was and so it will always be
She wants it and that's the custom
Whatever she wants she gets

(CHORUS)

This Week, on "The Dann Show"...

2008-12-19T19:42:00.001-08:00

This week, Joy and I left for The Martin residence in the far off county of Dexterfordshire to bake Christmas cookies. Megan asked us to "make her a special one". So I had to make it good. I decided on something dashingly clever that Megan would identify with:

"LA!!!!!!!!!!"

Also, a few days ago, while feeling a bit tired and grumpy (not to mention unshaven...ick.), I went into the bathroom and took a cell phone snap of my mug.

You know you want some of this.

So...yeah. That all happened.

...that's it.

A Creepy Poem

2008-12-17T15:34:00.000-08:00

Just follow the link. Morbid doesn't quite cut it.

http://www.fln.vcu.edu/struwwel/pauline_dual.html

That's Ummm...One Way to Put it.

2008-12-12T14:21:00.000-08:00

So, there are many people who do not appreciate Rammstein's music, as I do. However, on YouTube today, I found a hilarious "interpretation" of Du Hast. It's friggin' hysterical and I wanted people to see it.

And in case you're totally lost...no, these are not the actual words.

A Bit from Kafir Girl

2008-12-07T17:01:00.001-08:00

I quoted part of Kafir Girl's latest entry...it cracked me up.

"...verse 2 (of Abraham) hints at the terrible punishment that awaits those who doesn’t believe in the book (that wasn’t a book quite yet). Lets fast forward to those verses, shall we?
There are actually some new details in chapter 14 about the doom and gloom you, as a kafir, can expect after death.

Check it out:

(16) Before him is Hell, and he will get putrid liquid to drink.(17) He will sip it, yet will not be able to gulp it down. Death will crowd in upon him from every side, but die he will not. A terrible torment trails him.

Mmmmkay. So in hell, you’ll get a smelly drink that you’ll have to sip instead of gulp. And death will be all around you, only you won’t die. You’ll just sit there, sipping your smelly drink. It won’t be nice. The only thing is, I’ve experienced the whole putrid liquid thing before. I had access to nothing but instant coffee for an entire week, remember? It doesn’t even smell like real coffee. And you have to take little sips of it to keep from gagging on the shame of drinking instant. *Le sigh* I’m still a little bitter, I guess."

Funny shit.

Hitler Wants "A Burger King"

2008-12-03T18:10:00.000-08:00

This video cracked me up.
You almost feel sorry for the guy.

Blogger is Crap Sometimes

2008-11-26T18:32:00.001-08:00

Okay, so for some odd reason, Blogger fucked up my previous 2 posts once I added the video with Brian. It deleted the second video, then blended them all into one post...and now I can't delete the mess and start over.

So now I'm reposting the two In Living Color videos.

JESUS CHRIST!
Now it's saying this second video isn't working, even though it works fine in the other post!
GGGAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!

Just go to the "I Found the Other One!" post if you want to see the video.

Test

2008-11-26T18:22:00.001-08:00

I have to test something....Blogger is fucking stuff up. BRB

Starring Brian Bohley

2008-11-26T18:16:00.000-08:00

A video for a "Sexual Orientation Reversal Pill" that Jeff and Brian made. Brian seems to always star in these things.

I Found the Other One!

2008-11-26T14:40:00.001-08:00

The only other calhoun Tubbs video I know of.

ZOMFG!

2008-11-26T11:50:00.000-08:00

Forgot all about this slice of hilarity.

"Beyond Bohley"

2008-11-25T19:32:00.000-08:00

I haven't spoken to Brian in a long time. We caught each other on Google chat today, and hilarity ensued. Oh, Brian. If only we had had time for a Penguin Girl story.
(Please pardon the punctuation. Google-chat is not very Ctrl-V friendly).

---------------------------------------------------
me: you there?

Brian: yeah

me: coo coo
so how do you weigh so much?

Brian: I'm fat

me: I've got a small gut.that's where I store my victims, though

Brian: its all in my ass and gutmostly ass. Legs are big too, upper body is still thin so its misleading

me: fat legs, or muscle?Are you in your "gain weight, lose weight" phase?

Brian: yeah I gain/lose 10lbs all of the time

me: I'm just tryignt o not gain any back over the winter, until I can run more regularly. Running was all I ever did, except for a stint 2 years ago when I had a gym mebership. I was at my lowest of 190 then.winter sucks for exercise,
imo.imo = in my opinion. Gamer talk, sorry.

Sent at 9:24 PM on Tuesday

me: uh oh...did you have a heart attack? 'cuz I'm on a cardiac floor if you need assistance.
Tip 1: Don't die.
Tip 2: don't panic.

Brian: I think Im good, thanks

me: Tip 3: If you DO panic, at least you're still alive, efficiently accomplishing Tip one.
oh, there you are.you busy or something?

Brian: never too busy for my smuthers bro

me: awww...How's Nina?

Brian: she is stressed

me: why? She marrying you yet? LOL

Brian: ha

me: just kidding

Brian: that would make her so happybut sadly no

me: I know. So do it.

Brian: Im not a big fan of marriage

me: why?my parents divorced, and my dad's gay...I still like marriage.

Brian: too much legality to worry about

me: only if you think she's gonna cheat on you and steal your gazillions.that's where the "trust" part comes into it.

Brian: I like the common law routeI might stick with that

me: BOO!

Brian: you just want others to suffer
but you are alone on this my friendhow's joy?

me: alone...me?Joy was stressed yesterday. Had craploads of homework and finals. Done today though.
actually, it was more than craploads.
I think it qualified as a "shit ton".

Brian: yeah, nina always has a shit ton

me: is Nina coming with you in December?

Brian: no, she'll be in virginia

me: good god, why?on purpose?thats like going to Jersey!

Brian: her bro is stationed there in the navy so the whole family is meeting down there. I have to work both the day before and after christmas

me: The navy?

Brian: so Im stuck here

me: So he's a Seame----I can't say it

Brian: one of many

me: haha so what day you coming down? Let me put it this way...when are you available?

Brian: wellI might come home the weekend after christmas tooso it depends when I have xmas with my family

me: like...the 2 days after? Xmas is a Thursday, so...right after that?

Brian: yeah also, my car might be getting worked on the first weekendso I might not have a car

me: WHOA!

Brian: Jake is flying into chicago from alaska on friday the 20th

me: Look at Mr. High-Maintenance!

Brian: then we will be driving to Michigan either the 20th at night or early on the 21st

me: So...you'll get back to me, yes?

Brian: si

me: si si. So, how are things aside from that? I haven't talked to you in about 10 fortnights.

Brian: things are good...got a raise at work

me: sweet

Brian: after getting a promotion without pay

me: that's balls. So more responsibility without incentive.

Brian: yeah, but Im takin that place by storm

me: Oh christ, lol....don't use that phrase.

Brian: I handle "special projects"

me: Ahh...drug deals.

Brian: if you mean I need to take them to deal with the job yes, drug deals

me: I like to find new friends at the hospital by jokingly telling them I go to the
Childrens' Hospital to sell drugs to little kids....some people don't laugh. Which is ironic, since I joked about drugs all the time at my last job with the guy I worked with...and I just found out 3 months ago that he was arrested for dealing. That must've been why he got so mad when I would yell "Random drug tests!" at work.

Brian: nice

me: ...but I thought it was funny.

Brian: he mustve went postal

me: hahah....ha...ha old joke

Brian: or was this not at the post office?

me: no, post office.

Brian: so hows your job goin?get any nice raises?how about school?

me: Haha...you're funny. No, I don't get raises, just more work.
School is fine, but I'm getting nervous about applying to nursing school.
but they upped the entrants to 112 from 80 this year.so...score.

Brian: why so nervous?not do so well?

me: No....just always nervous about new shit.I hate feeling like the new kid.

Brian: ahh

me: People always steal my lunch money. Then I can't get the "Double Cheezeburger with fries and a fruit cup with a chocolate milk"...or those nasty cheese stick thingies. blech

Brian: I like bein the new kid. I get sick of people too easily

me: Hey, you remember when we were 12 and we were playing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, and you threw that plastic sai at me and it stuck straight in the hanging clothes next to my head?

Brian: of course

me: Good times.

Brian: that was like my most crowning achievement growing upI mustve told everyone I knew at the timethey never seemed to match my enthusiasm

me: Nah...you were champion of that big raft-thing in your pool.

Brian: just had to be there

me: ...but only because I couldn't swim.

Brian: yeah that helped

me: Made you popular.

Brian: I didnt need that to be popular with a nickname like bohldogg

me: Oh yeah...that's what did it. So...how is "Beyond Bohley" coming along?

Brian: Meh.

me: I'm gonna write it if you don't. It's your epic.

Brian: beyond bohley is before beginning

me: meh?

Brian: anyway, you and joy should come here, this location is far more desirable

me: Oh sure. I love the cold and getting mugged by architects.

Brian: better than being cold and mugged by.....anyone, which is what you suffer from. how much is gas over there?

me: About 1.79 right now, give or take a first-born.

Brian: nice. yeah it's the lowest its been in awhile, 2.04 here I filled up for under 30 bucks, it was amazing

me: I've developed a theory...which is quickly being proven.

Brian: What's that?

me: Take a good look when you buy gas...the lowest price (regular) is always blacked out with no light...but it always works.They expect you to press the first lit buttonI've tried this at many gas stations...all the same.

Brian: I know a lot of gas stations have it go right to leftso the first on the left is premiumbut I havent noticed the blacked outness

me: I've never seen the reversed order.muy interesante.

Sent at 10:08 PM on Tuesday

me: Did you die again?

Brian: sorry, had to just cycle the laundry

me: You never pay attention to my needs, Brian! I have FEELINGS!

Brian: what I think is dumb is all the people that pay with cash to save fucking 30 cents

me: yup. we don't really have that though. I've seen a few, but not many.

Brian: its like....hello....pay that for the convenience...or the people that drive out of the way to save a couple cents

me: People are always trying to spend 20 minutes (dollars) to save 5 (cents). There are always people here at work that SIT in the parking lot in their car waiting 15 minutes for someone to leave the ground floor spots, when there are empties 10 feet away.They burn more gas, and waste twice as much time. So stupid, it's almost funny.

Brian: almost. you laugh because there's no expression suitable

me: It's like mall parking lot stalkers during Christmas.

Brian: its just a nervous reaction

me: I, for one, don't find a slight walk.

Brian: yeah I like to pretend to get into someone else's carand then sprint over to mine real quick

me: but some people are destined for those Meijer electric carts.

Brian: so someone else gets the spot

me: I just get into mine, but then sit there reading a book or something until a line forms and they honk the dude into shame.

Brian: oooh nice. I've never read a book, just sat there wasting my time.

me: however, a few times the idiot has been dumb enough to get out of his car, go around to my window, and knock on it and ask if I'm leaving soon. I want to roll down the window and say "Here's your sign".

Brian: well I need to get goin...this is nina's last night here before she goes to boston for thanksgiving

me: better yet!

Brian: so I need to go spend some "quality" time with her

me: Sit in your car and act like you're cranking one off. He won't come to your window then.

Brian: I'd much rather pretend I'm cranking one off in a diner in front of the waitress.

me: By the way, this conversation is totally going on my blog. kainrafferty.blogspot.com
You'll be (more) famous!

Brian: what? so I can waste my time even more by reading this shit? I feel bad for your fans

me: nah, just print it out and read it in your car...while waiting for the line to queue up.

Brian: well they wont be yours for long, they will be asking for my blog soon enough

me: True...what is the link? BeyondBohley.com???

Brian: its been a long time. I haven't written in it for awhile and I was a whiny little bitch while I was dating Jenny.

me: Awww.
You need a hug.

Sent at 10:23 PM on Tuesday

And......you died again.
Is this goodbye?
Farewell?
Auf Wiedersehen?
Zum Girlfrenden lieven mich?
ACHTUNG!

Sent at 10:25 PM on Tuesday

Brian: adios

"Chai-ded"

2008-11-25T18:38:00.000-08:00

Normally I can ignore the beeping taking place behind me at my desk, but as one of the nurse's has accidentally jacked up the volume on the telemetry monitors, each beep is like a tent stake in my skull.

So I figured I would distract myself by relaying a story about this morning...

So after staying awake until 4:00am, then getting three and a half hours of sleep (Joy herself got one and a half), we left for class an hour early to get coffee and get to the Emich library to print Joy's class stuff. We arrive at the library (butt-ass cold), and we split up. I go for the coffee, she goes to the computers.

I go to the "Incredible Shrinking Cafe" and stand with 8 people in a line not much bigger than an elevator. There are TWO employees...one cashier, one making coffee.

I order "Two soy lattes, with one pump of vanilla syrup".

Simple.

I wait for the three people in front of me to get their drinks, then he gets to mine. They discuss something for a second, and then the coffee guy slowly and with turtle-like vigor, leaves the cafe.

They were out of soy milk. Like every place i ever go.

5 minutes go by.

Joy comes back.

I explain the situation, trying to maintain my cool as 9 more people line up for their drinkage. After another 2 minutes or so, Yurtle returns with the soy milk. Fresh from Egypt.

They finally make our stuff, and soy and I expeditiously leave, now with only 10 mintes to get out the door and 2 blocks away.

I taste the coffee.

Something is rotten in the state of Denmark.

"Ummm...this tastes like cinnamon. I said vanilla syrup, and they gave me cinnamon."

"It's not bad though." Joy said.

"Meh. It tastes cinnamony, but not the kind we like in the Cinnamon Dolce stuff. It's more like I'm drinking Red Hots."

We keep drinking.
The coffee is gross.

"I don't like it." I finally fess up. "It's also very...thin. It's almost a tea consistency."

Joy stops. "That's what it is..."

"What?"

"It's chai." She said. "They gave us chai."

"So wait..." I had to run through this. "I asked for 2 soy lattes, and I got chai. how the hell did that happen?"

She's almost laughing now. "I have no idea."

"That's it." I said. "I have to blog about this".

Now she is laughing.

"They crossed the line." I said. "They fucked with my coffee. The gloves are off."

We split off again and went to class.

I forced down half the Red hots Water, and chucked the rest.
...and bought some real coffee.

Hilarious Video

2008-11-19T17:39:00.000-08:00

Is This Thing On?

2008-11-18T13:36:00.000-08:00

Since my posts never, EVER get any feedback (especially the last few), I am now testing everyone.

IF YOU READ THIS, WRITE A COMMENT.
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE COMMENT IS, JUST LEAVE ONE.

I WANT TO SEE IF ANYONE BOTHERS READING THIS CRAP, OR IF I AM LEADING A POINTLESS EXISTENCE AT THIS BLOG.

Apparently, I Have a Thing For Squirrels

2008-11-14T20:07:00.000-08:00

So after posting my last blog (See below. You have to read that one first), I've discovered what I already suspected for a long time. And no Sarah, it's not that.

I love squirrels.
They are the most adorable damn things I've ever seen.

I want a pet squirrel.

I want 6 pet squirrels.

Here are some photos of squirrels that I found, so that I may preach this idea to you, and hopefully you will understand why I think this way.

...

...Don't mail me a straitjacket.

SO FRIGGIN' CUTE...

IT MAKES THE BRAIN EXPLODE!

I Make My Own Science

2008-11-14T16:13:00.001-08:00

I know the hospital is trying to replace the old tube stations. I thought you should be made aware of some research I did while I was the Dean at Cambridge.

Milling through the mass amounts of hard data I have on pneumatic tube systems, I discovered that the pros of the system were noted as early as the late 13th century, when Jibber-Jabber the Existentialist conquered the entire east coast of Delaware, he brought such pneumatic technologies to the new colony, hoping to solve the communication problems of The Old World, which had been forever plagued by phones which only rang twice, negating any possible implementations of answering machines.

However, Jibber-Jabber's colonists rebelled during the Great Teacup War of 1299, which factioned off those who thought saucers should be used versus those believing them to be abominations. The effective Saucer Gun developed by Sir Guinness McTeabag began a revolution in pneumatic warfare. Entire cities were laid to waste by this new hardware, and the investment in pneumatics got its second big jolt. Over the next seven centuries, major developments in pneumatics became mainstream in Jibber-Jabber's societies, and were used in everything from toothbrushes to telephones, from footwear to fondue. In 1902, Alexander Van Footenmouthen developed the first widespread machinery for the transmission, or "Fwooshing" as it was called, of tubes from point A to point B, and it became a modern marvel for communications. The Era of Pneumatic Tubes was nigh.

However, only since the late 1990's, with the development of DNA testing, was the true horror of pneumatic tubing made evident. As more and more tests were made public, the world was made aware of the dangers:

1. For some reason, humans exposed to the dangerous pneumatoid radiation were not aging or dying. Jibber-Jabber himself was asked about this aspect at his 843rd birthday party, at which he responded "Oh, Yeah. I never thought of that."

2. Although the aging process ceased, a whopping 125% of those exposed developed acute leprosy. Sir Guinness McTeabag, who himself had issues with his arms constantly falling off, merely stated "My bad." When asked about how percentages were over 100%, McTeabag said "Some people got it twice. Bad luck."

3. The populous exposed to pneumatoid radiation experienced a dramatic loss in appetite, save for Kraft Mac and Cheese. This was a worry for awhile, but over time, the world began to get used to the congealed goodness.
...Kraft refused to comment.

While the evidence is compelling, one should be aware of the process involved in discovering the photons emitted by the Pneumatoid Radiants. Photons have extensive mass, which is odd, because they aren't even catholic.
I have constructed a detailed algorithm to display this process:

http://farm4.static.flickr.com/3043/2659530809_579e49f4a1.jpg

Wait a sec. That's not it. That's a cute little squirrel.
HOW ADORABLE!

Anyway, here's that formula:

http://www.ucosoft.com/wp-content/uploads/Image/fml.png

This doesn't really explain anything. However, it does show that with enough equations and references to Ancient Acadia (did I mention that the Code of Hammurabi closely resembles that of The Ten Commandments, but was written 600 years earlier? How about Gilgamesh?), one's credibility is increased tenfold.

On a positive note, I believe we COULD find a possible market for running the new tube system on porridge. I don't think anybody eats it anymore.

A Poem About Frustration and Parents

2008-11-11T17:53:00.000-08:00

So, one of my friends on Facebook teaches Sunday school at her church. She knows my position, and she and I joke back and forth constantly. Today, she told me she had Parent-Teacher conferences coming up...so I wrote her a poem.

Before anyone reads this, I must remind all of you that I love kids. I just happen to open my brain sometimes and let the creative juice leak out onto the tarmack.

"Sunday School Showdown"

Teachers, parents, children too.
The conferences will now ensue.
The children will cry, their parents will lie,
When you say their kid eats way too much pie.

They'll tell you it's fine, and say not to whine,
while all of this time, their kid is porcine.
You cannot ignore through the rest of the course,
the one kid in class who's as big as a horse.

You talk to the mom of the bully in black,
who takes from the others or else they get smacked.
You tell her the kid needs to straighten his act,
Or next time he leaves his spine will be cracked.

They call the police for the things that you say,
for threatening kids, they will take you away.

You pull out your magnum and blow them away,
the cops won't be cuffing you...not on this day.
You whip out the other, and now you go dual,
'cuz they fucked with you, and now you get cruel.

You shoot out the windows and break all the glass,
so never again can they use this class.
You blast all the coppers who come through the door,
"You ain't gonna fuck around with me anymore!"

You steal all the bibles, and that's just as well...
you can donate them all to the nearest hotel.
You go to the tithe box and break off the lock,
It goes in your bag with the rest of the stock.

You eat all the snacks that you saved for the class,
and you don't really care if you get a big ass.
You'll be miles away when the SWAT team comes in,
You'll be running so fast that you'll stay nice and thin.

You run to Bermuda, a boat to Pengini,
and dish out some cash for a new Lamborghini.

You drive to the post office and make a dictation,
"I hereby offer my firm resignation".
You stick on a stamp, and send it away,
They already knew this, but it felt good to say.

Never again must you lie to the faces,
of bullies and brats to be put in their places.
You don't have to say that they do a good job,
of raising their kid who is really a snob.
In time they will see the fact that is errant.
There are no bad children, just rotten parents.

A Short Poem

2008-11-09T15:08:00.000-08:00

SNOW

Snow. The abstract thought that is water, frozen in pain.
But fret not, lest winter's grasp thwart thy ambitions!

Tread lightly, tread calmly, and disturbeth not the stalactites...
Looketh out! Die spikens spielen und fallen der headed splitten!

Nay.

Mine eyes see naught but water which condenses not.

Barometrics freeze thy blood cold. Such is ice, unhindered.
The time for sleddage...is nigh.

Barack Obamaaaaaaaaaaaa!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

2008-11-08T19:43:00.000-08:00

Barack Obama will be our next president.

It almost sounds unreal to say that, especially with all the constant hatred thrown around these days. I find that I am often surrounded by people either at work or school who are always talking shit about the Democrats, and now Obama especially.

I find it quite sickening that while we are transitioning out of an unpopular presidency, some people still hold onto the oddball thought that the Republican party will ever stand for anything except intolerance, religious prejudice, greed and lies. You really think that after 8 years of constant, repetitiive lies, misdirection, blatant disregard for national laws (good example is going to war in Iraq when U.N. said a big, fat "No"), and disrespect for anyone who does not agree with their self-serving idiology. You know, the part where if I don't agree with the ridiculous Iraq War that I'm obviously unpatriotic and "with the terrorists" as Bush put it.

Then we had the Republican presidential campaign this year, which was full of Sarah Palin calling Obama a terrorist, spreading rumors that he was a Muslim, and basically doing the same thing the Repubs do every election...tell Americans that if you don't vote for them: Your family will lose their home, your kids won't go to college, the democrats will raise your taxes, your husband will become infertile, your pets will go rabid, your crops will turn to Jello, your parents will die in a freakish yacht accident, you'll become a leper, you'll lose your job, the democrats will make the U.S. a Communist state, and your wife will suddenly want to get a career of her own.

Plus...He's black! ZOMG!!!!!!!

Look, enough of this crap. I know I only blog about things when I'm pissed off, and this was supposed to be a nice, happy post. Unfortunately, I find myself happier when I point out Republican hypocrisy, rather than bask in the obvious joys of liberalism.

I find it hard to believe how anyone could not be liberal.

You believe that CEOs don't deserve their billions, and that the money could help Americans better by going to middle and lower class workers?

You believe that everyone deserves a chance to obtain a good career and support their family, without having to be an heir(ess)?

You realize that in order to educate our children and provide healthcare to our people, we have to get that public spending from taxation (it's the truth, people. Constant "tax breaks" are not the wonder they claim to be).

You realize that true patriotism comes not from blind obedience to your government, but from the courage to dissent when needed? The founding fathers did. This country was not formed because the settlers thought the King of England was "a pretty fair dude".

If you believe all of the above, and you believe in a fair and just society..HOW CAN YOU VOTE REPUBLICAN?!

I hear people talk about being liberal like it's a disease.

"I hate him...he is so liberal!".

Which is a description of all the above statements I made. Let's replace this with an equally silly statement, with just as much anger and vigor.

"I hate him...he likes puppies!"

Holy shit! Whatever shall we do?!

To quote my brilliant mother, "How can you be liberal enough?"
I share that sentiment.

I realize that I'm rambling now, so I'll shut up. The point is that the Republican party has done nothing for the past decade (and I can go much farther if I mention the blight on this planet that was the Ronald Reagan presidency) except turn us all against each other and set our moral compass back fifty years.

What horrid things did the Democrats do?

...
ummm....

Well...let's see...

...Oh! Clinton lied about getting a blowjob.

Shame, shame.

What's Your THACO?

2008-10-25T13:54:00.000-07:00

So, I only played D&D a few times, and I must say that aside from creating a unique character (which was always the fun part), the rest was boring as watching a hammer rust.

However, I began thinking about the alignment system given to characters to determine their purity, judgment, etc., and being the dork that I am, I sat here at my desk (bored) and thought all of a sudden...

"Why don't I make a list of my family members' alignments?"

Pure dorkage.

For those unfamiliar with the system, it is made up of 2 words. The first describes your attittude toward society as a whole, and the second describes your morality. The hierarchy is as follows:

LAWFUL GOOD - You are a saint. A person of faith, and one who always follows the rules of society and law.

LAWFUL NEUTRAL - You typically believe strongly in Lawful concepts such as faith, order and rules, but don't always agree with "the system" and often follow a personal code as opposed to the status quo.

LAWFUL EVIL - You typically obey your superiors and keep your word (trustworthy), but care nothing for the rights and freedoms of other individuals.

---
NEUTRAL GOOD - A neutral good character is guided by his conscience and typically acts altruistically, without regard for or against Lawful precepts such as rules or tradition. A neutral good character may cooperate with lawful officials but does not feel beholden to them.

TRUE NEUTRAL - You are neither good nor evil. You see these as mere prejudices and extremes. You strive towards a balance in all things. This is the only alignment a druid can be.

NEUTRAL EVIL - You are typically selfish and have no qualms about turning on allies-of-the-moment. You have no compunctions about harming others to get what you want, but you won't go out of your way to cause carnage or mayhem when you see no direct benefit from it.
---

CHAOTIC GOOD - Chaotic Good is known as the "Rebel" alignment. A chaotic good character favors change for the greater good, disdains bureaucratic organizations that get in the way of social improvement, and places a high value on personal freedom.

CHAOTIC NEUTRAL - A character of this alignment is an individualist who follows his or her own heart, shirks rules and traditions. They typically act out of self-interest, but do not specifically enjoy seeing others suffer.

CHAOTIC EVIL - Characters of this alignment tend to have little respect for rules, other peoples' lives, or anything but their own selfish desires. They typically only behave themselves out of fear of punishment.

I thought about this because of the zodiac thing going around, but this is a more personal adaptation, and has to do less with the chance of when you were born.

So here goes...

Dadd: LAWFUL NEUTRAL.

Momm: TRUE NEUTRAL.

Jenn: LAWFUL NEUTRAL

Libby: CHAOTIC GOOD.

Sarrah: CHAOTIC NEUTRAL.

Dann: CHAOTIC GOOD.

Meggan: NEUTRAL GOOD.

Chhrisco: NEUTRAL GOOD.

HONORABLE MENTIONS (for examples of the extremes):
--------------------------------------------------------------

Doc Holliday: NEUTRAL EVIL.

Karl Rove: LAWFUL EVIL.

Sarah Palin: CHAOTIC EVIL.

Nuns: LAWFUL GOOD.
(I didn't say "The Pope" because he's politically motivated)

"The Shining Star"

2008-10-24T17:56:00.001-07:00

Working at the post office made me an angry person. Well...angrier. When I became vegetarian, I was made fun of for weeks, being called a hippie and that "animals were born to be food." When I wanted to buy a foreign car for fuel efficiency, I was openly called a Communist by several people at work. When I told them I was running a marathon, the biggest response I got was "Oh. That's nice." I wanted to shoot myself whenever I walked in the door.

Since coming to the hospital in November of 2007 (almost a year now), it has since been a total turnaround. The marathon came around again this year, I had people sending me emails cheering me on. I had nurses stop by my desk and talk to me for 10 minutes, asking me about how I got into running, how often I run, and what my other plans were. When the Civic Open came around, over 10 nurses and doctors told me they were actively trying to get the night off to come see me sing. Today, my first day back to work since the competition, I returned to find a huge, hand-made card on my desk.

The front had my name written on it, and a huge star "Stress Ball" that they had written "Our Shining Star" on it in pen, as well as the name of the song I sang.

The next page had a pasted picture of a guy dancing and singing, and said "From all the 4BC staff! You can use the stress ball for whenever you get nervous."

The last page had a large message for me.

...and was signed by everyone on my floor.

Some even wrote me a little message.

I swear, if I hadn't been at work, I would've cried.

Like a baby.

A baby with Colic.

This was the nicest thing they couldn't ever done. These people haven't even known me for a year, and they cheered me on, sent me congratulations, and even spent money to come see me perform.

Somehow, getting Second Place didn't matter anymore.

being upset over a decision means nothing compared to the number of friends I had behind me that night.

Stumper

2008-10-16T19:37:00.000-07:00

I have a pop quiz question for anyone who could figure it out. I made it up, too. So obvious antagonists (Chris) will emerge from the woodwork.

What phrase is this used to remember?

"My Mother Never Cooks Steak Ever, Sarah!"

Ten points to the one who figures it out.
...Of course, this requires a bit of knowledge about Me, too.

And don't forget to participate in my Lyrics Game (see post below this one).

Lyrics Game

2008-10-16T19:15:00.000-07:00

I stole this idea off another blog I found.

Everyone who comments, leave part of a song with lyrics that match the theme.

They did it with minerals, but I'm choosing Days of the week.

I'll go first:

(by the way, you only need one day in your response. I just have a whopper.

-----------------------------------------------------------

"I don't care if Monday's blue.

Tuesday's gray and Wednesday, too.

Thursday, I don't care about you; It's Friday, I'm in love."

The Cure

-----------------------------------------------------------

"The Marathon Men...er People", Take Two

2008-10-10T16:35:00.000-07:00

After many months of training, route changes, speed runs, new training schedules, near drop-outs (that would be me), and gallons of gatorade...the marathon is once again upon us.

This year, we have vowed to run faster, indeed...but more importantly, smarter.

Last Year's Triumph

In order to avoid certain follies of last year, and hopefully improve our stamina, we have elected the following:

1. I'll be bringing a Fanny pack. Insert laughs here. Hopefully it will be more of a Fanny belt, since all it will need to hold will be goo, my cellphone, and some Ibuprofen.

2. Oh yes, the Ibuprofen. Last year, Sarah and I remember seeing salvation: Two teenage girls manning a table with cups of Ibuprofen. Sarah promptly screamed and jumped at them. The girls of course thought they were about to be eaten alive. However, the point is that this station was located far after the pain had sunk into our butts, at the 20-mile mark.

This year, the "Fanny Belt" will contain painkillers for the appropriate...ohh....15 mile mark, give or take.

3. Hopefully, this year's Gatorade will not be the High Sodium crap. It gives you a wicked stomach jumble.

4. TO THOSE ACCOMPANYING US FOR SUPPORT:

I will bring my cellphone this year, hopefully stuffing it in the "belt" or putting it in my fleece vest, which I may or may not wear. This way, I can call you guys when we will arrive at key places and mile-markers.

TEAM UBERCUL

"You've got a medal? I've got a medal, too!"

Libby's Blog, Revisited.

2008-09-30T19:09:00.001-07:00

Libby's blog had a few interesting points I wanted to bring back up, especially since people are still pining for the ridiculous, sexist, crazy-psycho-christian who want's America to be run by the Bible.

The thought gives me nightmares.

FORMER ARKANSAS GOV. MIKE HUCKABEE:
Palin "got more votes running for mayor of Wasilla, Alaska than Joe Biden got running for president of the United States."

THE FACTS:
A whopper. Palin got 616 votes in the 1996 mayor's election, and got 909 in her 1999 re-election race, for a total of 1,525. Biden dropped out of the race after the Iowa caucuses, but he still got 76,165 votes in 23 states and the District of Columbia where he was on the ballot during the 2008 presidential primaries.

FORMER MASSACHUSETTS GOV. MITT ROMNEY:
"We need change, all right — change from a liberal Washington to a conservative Washington! We have a prescription for every American who wants change in Washington — throw out the big-government liberals, and elect John McCain and Sarah Palin."

THE FACTS:
A Back-to-the-Future moment. George W. Bush, a conservative Republican, has been president for nearly eight years. And until last year, Republicans controlled Congress. Only since January 2007 have Democrats have been in charge of the House and Senate.Why or why will no one check sources! Politicians in general should be careful what they say, as lying only makes them look untrustworthy and mean. In this case, they look desperate and stupid; which could have been easily avoided.One comment about the taxes - the reason Republicans don't like it is that a lot of them (in politics) are wealthy. They would get a tax increase in order to provide relief to the middle class. This is exactly what we need; less coddling and special interests to the rich. This economy is flat out disgusting, and we all need some help before every family who makes under $100,000 a year goes bankrupt.

Polar Bears

2008-09-27T13:42:00.001-07:00

Polar bears are SO FRIGGING ADORABLE!

,

Oh. You were expecting me to write something about the presidential debate?
I'll write a haiku or two:

Ahem...

McCain condescends,
And he has dumb ideas.
STOP THE GOD DAMN LIES.

McCain lies too much.
Obama kept correcting.
McCain, with lipstick.

John has a record.
Do you know McCain's record?
John's got a record!

Repubs are insane.
Keep believing those lies, folks.
...Better learn Swedish.

Instead of Palin,
Let's have a Polar Bear veep.
They know Bush Doctrine.

What, you want tax cuts?
You want healthcare and school funds?
Can't have it both ways.

Once upon a time,
McCain goes to the bathroom.
"Wait...that's my elbow."

"Oh, drill baby, drill!"
Exxon loves those tax breaks, yes.
Electric car who?

New Things I Wish I Hadn't Learned

2008-09-19T20:19:00.000-07:00

WARNING:

Frightening and saddening images of things horrible

people do for their own agenda.

So, I realize that I've been hacking away at Sarah Palin lately, pointing out her hypocrisies, screaming and ranting about all her lies...

But now I have new ammo.

Being the crazy-psychotic-vegan-altruistic-hippie-who cares too much about animals, I have since come into the knowledge of the fact that Palin:

1. Has fought in the past, and is still fighting, to remove polar bears from the endangered species list, because it would cause problems for her oil-drilling agenda.

2. Even worse, she is an advocate AND a participant of AERIAL WOLF KILLINGS, in order to "cull" the wolf population. This is in conjunction with the hypocrisy that she is so adamant about being pro-life, yet kills animals for sport.

When you lie to the world, you get on my Shit List.

When you fuck with the animals, you go straight to the top of it.

Guns + Holy Bible = Oxymoron

2008-09-10T18:10:00.000-07:00

Sigh.

Sometimes life is depressing.
It is particularly depressing whenever I decide to look around the internet and spot all the people who call themselves good Americans, yet really...well...they have about as much independence and logic as an old softball.

With mud on it.

That landed in dog mess.

You get the idea.

Anyway, as I tend to do, I went browsing the old Myspace and Facebook pages, looking around at all the people I could (not just people I know either...a guy needs a control group) and discovering that my lack of faith (no better word for it, really) in humanity is astonishing.

Nah, strike that.
Not faith in humanity. Faith in Americans.

Anyone remember "Schindler's List"? When Liam Neeson is talking to Ralph Fiennes (the hardcore nazi), he explains that having power is not killing everyone and taking what you want. Real power is deciding to pardon those who transgress you; Learning to forgive them, and not giving in to your ability to show off and slaughter.

If you see my segue here...

The U.S. is the most powerful country in the world. How do we exercise that power?

By invading places we aren't wanted?

By telling people that if they don't like our country to "go back where you came from?"

By persecuting every new culture that enters our borders, forgetting our own damn roots since every single one of our families were once immigrants?!

Or maybe...

Maybe we should see that that power could be used for diplomacy, and not the tradition of "I have the bigger gun, so I win".

Maybe by encouraging diversity and not saying "You look funny and talk differently so I don't like you". (Take the terms "Habibs" and "A-rabs" for an example if you will. I spy cousins of the N-bomb).

Maybe by opening up ourselves a little religiously as well. One of the major areas we get made fun of by other countries for is the fact that everything from TV programs to school subjects to presidential elections are chock full of religion. We are one of the only countries in the world who is over 90% religious. (I mean come on, Israel is over 37% agnostic/atheist!) We could take a lesson from less religious places like the Scandinavian Peninsula (Sweden, Finland, Denmark) who are in the top 6 for least religious, yet have the strongest economies in the world (and let's not forget...less wars). [These statistics were taken from TIME magazine.]

It really sickens me that the U.S. policy has been to keep your bible out in front of you, and your gun(s) behind your back. It seems to me like the world's largest oxymoron. I don't think Jesus bought himself a .45 at Walmart, in case the fish trick got him laughed offstage. Lies have replaced good policy, and we seems to be fine with that.

I understand that the U.S. has a large military, and I'm obviously not going to change that (or the "terr-ists" win). However, I fail to see how my lack of being a sheep, and my lack of 400 U.S. flag decals makes me any less of a citizen. After all, George Bush Sr. said he didn't think atheists should be considered citizens...and Sarah Palin saying that In God We Trust was "good enough for the founding fathers, and good enough for me". It's too bad that phrase was put on currency in the 1950s. But we don't need facts anymore, just a loud voice. Which many of us on the other side of the fence are reluctant to use.

After reading many things lately on U.S. norms and religion (as I said, the 2 are always joined at the hip), I have been opened up to a side that I hitherto have not spotted.

Religion has undue respect.

Don't believe in a war? Conscientious objector?
"YOU COWARD! YOU UNPATRIOTIC COMMIE!"

Oh, it's against your religion?
"You're a brave man, I respect your views."

BULLSHIT.

Why do people respect bishops? and the pope?
They're just men in funny hats who believe the same weird crap!
Why give them any more respect than a guy walking down the street?

I'm no longer going to give religion the blind respect that people believe it "deserves". I'm not going to go out of my way to insult anyone (anymore than I probably have in my rants), because I have morals. But if I'm told to respect someone's silly beliefs...sorry. It's not happening.

This country needs to pull itself out of the endless lies and stupidity. We need to stop believing all the shit the media and politicians feed us, just so they can get elected and then foreclose your home and steal your wallet. I've known too many people (and I'm not even counting the entire country for the last 8 years here) who have been screwed over and lied to by whom they described as "a good, christian man".

Hypocrisy Tastes Like Chicken

2008-09-04T12:56:00.000-07:00

The following article is great. Lib sent it to me, and of course, I'm not one to shut up. I love the fact that the entire RNC has been "Obama's not experienced" and "Palin's such a great woman/mother/American/look at my daughter's boyfriend who I threatened to eat if he didn't marry her/Jesus wants me to drill in Alaska/Oh, wait! Look at the kitty!"

Yet when Palin's experience comes into question, the Repubs call it "sexism".

Say what?
Remember that whole FEMALE CANDIDATE HILLARY THING?

...Dumbass.

The RNC is really stretching itself here.

Saying that Palin is good enough to fight the Russians because she took on one corrupt official, Jesus spoke to her and said he wants her to drill for oil in the wilderness (and apparently kill a shitload of his animal creations...seriously, why not send another flood?), and that being a mother who HERSELF got married because she was pregnant, then doesn't believe in contraception so her DAUGHTER gets pregnant, and now has a 4 month old child with Down's Syndrome...and so you go for the VP spot?

HUH?

Anyway, read this article, because I'm not going away until I can turn at least one lifeform (even if its that kitty) away from the Dark Side.

*Just for the record, I browsed photos of Palin before finding the above one...has anyone else noticed that she has had some massive plastic surgery? Check some before and afters...she had a nice smile before, and now she has no lips. Politically irrelevant, just interesting.

GOP cites Palin's skill, but how relevant is it?

By TED ANTHONY
AP National Writer

ST. PAUL, Minn. (AP) -- Wait, now, say the Republicans. You think that Alaska Gov. Sarah Palin lacks experience? You think that at 44, with less than two years running the nation's northernmost state, she doesn't have what it takes yet to be a heartbeat away from the presidency?

Pshaw.

What about the fact that she stood up to embattled Alaska Sen. Ted Stevens? What about her oversight of her state's National Guard contingent? Her experience as a mother? And, hey - what about the fact that she runs a state that happens to be very close to Russia?

Each of these characteristics has been cited by a Republican since Friday as an ingredient in John McCain's conclusion that Palin is qualified to become vice president of the United States.

"She has experience not only in politics but in life," former Republican Sen. Fred Thompson of Tennessee said Sunday on CNN.

None of this suggests that Sarah Palin is not a skilled, competent, multitalented public servant. But it means that, in the face of fierce Democratic assertions that she is too green to be elevated to vice president, the GOP is looking for whatever it can to show that's not the case and to bolster her credentials, particularly in national security.

And in some cases, the responses from Republicans who showed up on the Sunday morning talk-show circuit to promote Palin's qualifications are unexpected, to say the least.

Thompson: "She's a mother of five children. ... And she has more experience than Barack Obama."

Sen. Lindsay Graham of South Carolina: "Governor Palin took on Ted Stevens. If she can take him on, she can take on the Russians." Stevens, a Republican senator, is facing corruption charges and running for re-election.

Minnesota Gov. Tim Pawlenty: "Palin is commander-in-chief of the Alaskan National Guard." The state's Guard has about 4,000 members.

From McCain's wife, Cindy, came a geographic assessment of qualification: "Alaska is the closest part of our continent to Russia. So, it's not as if she doesn't understand what's at stake here."

What these traits say about Palin's ability to serve as vice president or, in an emergency, as president is not entirely clear. But the flurry of comments by leading Republicans hint at a flood-the-zone strategy when it comes to Palin, whose gender, Christian faith and conservative chops infused a lively crackle into John McCain's campaign during the weekend between the two national conventions.

The GOP has also implied that Democratic reactions to Palin's selection are sexist, particularly since, they contend, her time as Alaska's governor gives her the edge over Barack Obama in executive experience. Obama, 47, has spent almost 12 years in office, all of it as a lawmaker - eight years as an Illinois state senator and nearly four as a U.S. senator. Palin's total is 12 - she spent 10 as a city council member and mayor, and nearly two as governor.

"If they want to go down that route, in all candor, she has far more experience than Senator Obama does," McCain said Sunday in St. Louis.

Democrats insist sexism isn't at play. "It's not the woman issue at all," former Democratic Sen. Tom Daschle of South Dakota said Sunday on CNN. "There are a lot of other Republican women who could have filled this role if that is what he was looking for" - such as Texas Sen. Kay Bailey Hutchison or Connecticut Gov. M. Jodi Rell.

Former New York Mayor Rudy Giuliani, appearing on CBS' "Face the Nation," saw a kindred spirit in Palin's experience as mayor, despite the fact that her town, Wasilla, has about 7,000 people and his had nearly 8 million when 9/11 happened.

"Maybe it's my own background as a mayor and United States attorney, but this whole idea of executive experience to me would really qualify her," Giuliani said. He dismissed questions about the size of the town she ran. "You know why? She had to make decisions. All Sen. Obama has had to do is talk. That's all he does."

Some of the comments seemed a bit non-sequitur. Russia, for example.

Maj. Gen. Craig Campbell, adjutant general of the Alaska National Guard, considers Palin "extremely responsive and smart" and says she is in charge when it comes to in-state services, such as emergencies and natural disasters where the National Guard is the first responder.

But, in an interview with The Associated Press on Sunday, he said he and Palin play no role in national defense activities, even when they involve the Alaska National Guard. The entire operation is under federal control, and the governor is not briefed on situations.

Stephen C. Donehoo, managing director of Kissinger McLarty Associates in Washington, and former military intelligence officer specializing in Latin America:

"No doubt the campaign staff have her hooked up to a fire hose on foreign policy issues," said Stephen C. Donehoo, managing director of Kissinger McLarty Associates in Washington and a former military intelligence officer.

"No doubt they fear a debate with Joe Biden that touches foreign affairs," Donehoo said. "My guess is Graham and (Joe) Lieberman are doing a lot of tutoring."

Republican Sen. Norm Coleman of Minnesota appears to have no such worries, given what he considers to be Obama's lack of experience.

"The president sets the tone," Coleman said. "The experience issue is on the other side. The No. 1 guy there is the guy without the experience."

Strange Things You Learn at IMDB

2008-08-31T19:46:00.000-07:00

So, I decided to poke around a bit on IMDB.com tonight, mostly because we were talking about "The Neverending Story", so I decided to do a sort of Where Are They Now? of my own. I followed some random links, and learned some interesting (and in some cases disturbing) thing:

Barrett Oliver, the little kid who played Bastian in "Neverending Story" and Daryl in the cyborg-child movie "D.A.R.Y.L." immediately disappeared from the movie business (despite his rising stardom) because making "D.A.R.Y.L." left him with the realization that child stars are seen and used as a way to make cheap millions by the film industry. He's now a teacher and has long hair and a beard.

Jonathan Brandis, best known for his roles in "It" and "Seaquest DSV" (and also auditioned for the role of Anakin Skywalker in "Attack of the Clones" in 2002), committed suicide in 2003 by hanging himself.

Noah Hathaway, who played Atreyu in "Neverending Story", now lives in Miami and owns "5150 Choppers", a motorcycle shop.

Dabney Coleman was diagnosed with age-related macular degeneration (AMD) but took part in a clinical trial which remedied his sight from 20-400 to 20-40 in just a week.

Natalie Wood was the star of "Rebel Without a Cause" and "West Side Story". Her body was found floating facedown off Catalina Island in 1981.

Some facts about Jeff Cohen, who played Chunk in "The Goonies":
1. He is currently an Entertainment Lawyer in Los Angeles.
2. He was the President of the Associated Students of UC Berkeley and used to do the Truffle Shuffle on the sidelines during football games.
3. To generate tears during his "confession" scene with the Fratellis, he thought of his mother dying.

Interesting Tim Curry facts:
1. Was Tim Burton's second choice for the role of the Joker in "Batman" (1989).
2. He turned down the role of Mitzi in "The Adventures of Priscilla, Queen of the Desert" (1994)

And finally, the truth behind the death of Heather O'Rourke, who played Carol Anne in Poltergeist:

*****In January 1987, Heather began to have flu-like symptoms and her legs and feet swelled. She was taken to Kaiser Hospital, and they confirmed it was only the flu, but when symptoms continued, they diagnosed her as having Crohn's Disease, a chronic inflammation of the intestine. She was on medication throughout the filming of her next project, Poltergeist III (1988), and her cheeks were puffy in some scenes. She never complained during filming and did not appear sick to fellow cast members. When filming temporarily stopped in June, Heather and her family went on a road trip from Chicago, to New Orleans, to Orlando and all the way back to Lakeside where they lived at the time. Heather was well until January 31, 1988, Super Bowl Sunday. She was unable to keep anything in her stomach and crawled into bed with her parents that night, saying that she didn't feel well. The next morning, February 1, sitting at the breakfast table, she couldn't swallow her toast or Gatorade. Her mother noticed her fingers were blue and her hands were cold. Kathleen called the doctor's and was getting ready to put her clothes on when Heather fainted on the kitchen floor. When the paramedics came in, Heather insisted that she was "really okay" and was worried about missing school that day. In the ambulance, Heather suffered cardiac arrest and died on the operating table at 2:43 p.m. at the tender age of 12. Cause was listed as cardiopulmonary arrest and intestinal stenosis.

Yup. Still Depressing.

2008-08-31T19:32:00.001-07:00

Anyone remember this classic scene?

Does it make anyone else hopelessly emotional?

15 years later, and you still cry like a baby.

Third blog in two days! On a roll!

2008-08-30T18:47:00.000-07:00

I just keep posting all this stuff that I find on the web. It seems everytime you go back, there's something new and inspiring. Just today I found these new tidbits.

I love the internet. Some funny shit out there, I gotta tell you.

Ask a Silly Question...

2008-08-30T14:33:00.000-07:00

So a friend of mine (liberal) emailed me at work, admittedly bored and looking for some fun. I asked what she wanted to talk about, and she replied:

"How about how McCain is going to protect our country and ban abortion?"

So I replied:

"That's easy...

First, you give tax cuts to the rich, which depletes the amount of public funding for schools and healthcare. This leaves an open opportunity for us to shake the moneytree in McCain's backyard which will easily provide enough cash to fund 100 more years in Iraq, and enough to enroll each lower-class family in the food stamp program (gotta help the little guy, you know).

Then, by teaching Creationism in schools, children will learn the valuable lesson of how Tyrannosaurus Rex was a vegetarian, and that he (among other supposed carnivores that god turned vegetarian while they were on Noah's Ark) had massively sharp teeth and claws in order to eat bamboo and open coconuts (this is actually taught at the Creation Museum). This will give American children the "earnest" guidance they need, and it will (with the power of Jesus) mentally SHOCK them out of being gay, which will magically cure AIDS, and then no one will ever again be tempted to have sex, except for when Jesus says so (even though he's been dead for over 2 millennia now), which requires a Flag car decal and an NRA membership. And with no children being "tempted" to have sex, abortion is eliminated.

Simple.

Next question?

I would also like to point out how HILARIOUS it is that "Creationism" is not recognized by the GroupWise dictionary."

I Loves Me a Third Bush Term

2008-08-29T18:06:00.001-07:00

Wow. McCain chose a female running mate. This would seem surprising of a man who publicly called his wife "a c**t", but as we delve deeper, we notice that it's actually quite smart. He can try to sweep up the female voters who are still whining about Hillary's loss, and more importantly try to convince working families that he is more in touch with them (Palin being "a hockey mom", and such). I would think Palin would be more than a little upset at the fact that she was chosen as a running mate (as Joy nicely put it) "just because she has a uterus", since her measly 2 years as a governor (not even anything national) nicely prepares her for the most important part of her political career...being eaten alive by Joe Biden in the debates. Which I look forward to.

So far, the outspoken aspects of Palin seem to be continuations of the fears and prejudices that Republicans thrive on: Pro-life, "Oil companies love you love time", homophobia, and creationism in schools. Which is apparently soooooo important to people who don't have healthcare, can't feed their children, and are losing their homes. Religion is, once again, the trump card to determine whether or not you are suitable to balance a budget and keep families working. May I remind you that in Sweden, one of the most successful and prosperous nations in the world, is more than 85% atheist? Nothing to argue over, I guess.

How the rest of the world sees us:

Not to mention the fact that my main beef with McCain (which is more than a little ironic) is that he is blatantly more two-faced than John Kerry (supposedly) ever was. He (Kerry) was called a "flip-flopper" during the 2004 election season, due to the fact that he was openly opposing the war (Iraq and Vietnam) that he earlier approved. We will forget (conveniently) that there is a HUGE difference between someone who said "This seems like a good idea" and later says "Oops, my bad", than McCain and Bush...who have BOTH denied their original standings! "Oh...well...uhh...I never said that. I don't recall that." Bush fed the country that for 8 years and people loved it. Then nothing gets accomplished, and we call it...progress?

I'm so friggin' sick of all the damn lies! It literally makes my chest ache watching McCain rise in the ranks, when all throughout 2000 - 2006, EVERYTIME you saw McCain he was on someone else's side! He agrees with Bush, "Oh wait, I never said that", then the Democrats, "Oh wait, I never said that". Then he switches to whatever side he thinks will make him look good. It's fucking disgusting, and people love it.

Then, when he ends up keeling over in office, the presidency will be taken over by someone who knows JACK SHIT about leading! Did you even LISTEN to Obama's speech? He wants to make the country better! He's not concerned with that endless rhetoric of pointing fingers and telling you who to blame for everything! Republicans prey on your fears. And the sad thing is...it works every time.

The Vegan Zombie, and a Religious Poke.

2008-08-22T18:14:00.000-07:00

I found this picture online, and I thought it was hilarious!
They called it "Tofu, the Vegan Zombie!"

"Grainssssss...."

I also have one more picture that I found, which I hesistated to show at first, so I compromised with myself. I made a LINK for it, instead of posting it. That way, any hatemail I receive is unjustified.

If you hold any disapproval for the things I normally post (tough noogies), then DO NOT CLICK THE BOTTOM LINK. It's not one of those stupid "Loud scream and a huge picture of the exorcist things" (I hate those). However it IS, I must admit, a little gross...and it requires a great deal more....ummm...non-uptightness.

Here it is. Don't say I didn't warn you.

Whatever. I found it hilarious.

You came to my blog, and you chose to click the link. Simple as that.

Out of the F@&$# Blue

2008-08-20T18:10:00.000-07:00

So I started reading "The God Delusion" by Richard Dawkins not too long ago, and I just can't put it down. Richard Dawkins says everything I've always wanted to say, but in a much more eloquent (A.K.A. "British and intelligent") way.

Among his many qualities, Dawkins is extremely quotable. He puts things so well, and at the same offering the nice little---

2 Hours Later...

While writing this, a loud, piercing sound suddenly cuts through the air.
I glanced to the callbox, where I instantly notice
it reading the dread phrase: "UH CODE BLUE".

Instinctively, I begin shouting the room number in all directions.

The on-call PA, stepping outside her office at the ringing...pops her eyes and screams "Oh, shit!", bolting toward the patient's room.

I call 911, stamp blood gas forms for the doctor, and frantically call Rapid Response. My repetitive screaming is monotonous now, as every nurse in my section is flying to that room.

10 minutes later, the doctor calls it.

Half the nurses on my floor explode into tears.
Having never been in this situation, I find myself a little speechless as well.

I normally wouldn't write about this, especially since the situation has nothing to do with my original post. Except it does.

This patient was in good condition, had no issues that the nurse said he voiced (she was bawling afterward, saying "He never complained of anything"), and ironically said his family came regularly to pray with him for a safe recovery.

I'll have to return to what I was originally posting about at a later time.

The Crocoduck Defense

2008-08-13T18:06:00.001-07:00

Sometimes the religious right is entertaining. I particularly love that O'Reilly's "proof" of God is that you can't prove he doesn't exist.

Well, you can't disprove the existence of aliens, the invisible miniature giraffe in my closet, or The Flying Spaghetti Monster either. I have faith that they exist, although I can't see them.

Seriously, if the "Crocoduck" theory is all Cameron's got, then I feel sorry for those who follow his rhetoric.

Bad Luck Run Amuck...Sucks.

2008-08-12T13:21:00.000-07:00

Once again, kindly ignore the spacing issues. Blogger hates me, and loves to @$&% up my spacing. I spent 20 minutes trying, but I can't fix it.

I awoke this morning feeling extremely fatigued, which is unusual for me being the person often quoted as believing sleep is "overrated and a waste of time". However, after sleeping 8 hours (2 more than my norm) I fell asleep everytime Joy tried waking me before she left for work. Even after being up for 2 hours, I still couldn't shake the exhaustion. I've been feeling like this for about a week now...I normally can't sleep for long, but now I'm finding every excuse to go back to sleep. I decided that I was NOT doing that today.

However, hours later as I write this I'm realizing that the world was trying to save me from a horrible fate.

First of all, the fatigue alone all but killed my run for the day, which was scheduled for 4 miles. Being tired, I thought my iPod could save me during said run. iPod was dead. So I charged it for awhile, which forced me to plan on a 3 miler instead. All geared and stretched up, I ran for a half mile before developing a chest pain and shortness of breath. This wasn't happening today. I went home and did 30 more minutes on the treadmill, salvaging what I could of my dignity. It was now 2:30.

Leaving the shower at 2:45 left me 15 minutes to get dressed, eat something, and find a dinner for tonight. Left over stir fry? And some stale rice? Sweet! Dinner is set. Now to eat something. I'm (to quote Sarah) "hungry like a hostage".

I have these veggie-burger-like patties in the freezer, which are sort of like Gardenburgers, but they have whole pieces of broccoli and edamame in them...and they are much more moist. Since it's frozen, you have to microwave it for about 2 minutes. To speed things up, I used the microwave cover-thingy. As I take it out, I carefully grasp the sides of the plate with my fingertips, trying desperately not to burn myself during the 10-foot trip to the counter.

To no avail.

My finger touched a hotspot, which made me slip, and the plate juggles in my hands a bit before crashing to the floor. Since I was actually trying to catch the plate in a fumbled clapping motion, the patty slides off the plate, slaps right into the palm of my left hand and firmly sticks there. It wasn't until I started scraping it off my hand in the sink that I realized how much it hurt.

The next 20 minutes involved me yelling, calling Joy, screaming in agony, yelling for Megan to help me find the burn gel, ransacking the house for ace wraps and burn gel, screaming "Where the hell is that %#*@ burn gel?!", wondering if Vasoline would work instead, or maybe cocoa butter, "Where's that damn gel?!", and finally cracking open the survival kit I won in a drawing at the post office. Ahh...burn gel.

10 minutes and some whining later, I now look like The Mummy.

I then go work, starving, telling 100 people the same story about my hand, then begging at 5:30 to go get a bagel. Which I try to take the first bite of, and it pops out of my fingers, almost (but not quite) hitting the floor.

I then go back to my desk, attempt to clean up some old pencil smudges on my desk with that Purell stuff. It squirts out in all directions, splattering onto my keyboard, shoes and my pants...perfectly missing the desk.

Despite all of this, we must look to the bright side of this afternoon.

...I never went back to sleep.

The First Anniversary

2008-06-20T18:26:00.000-07:00

It's already been a year.

Jesus Christ...it's already been a year!

Now I know how people stay married for 50, 60, 70, 200 years. It feels like only a few days have gone by.

It seems like only yesterday, when I saw Joy's ring online, and I frantically called Libby and told her to buy it. I told her it had to be someone Joy wouldn't know about. Sure enough, Joy goes online to see the "ring she really wants but can't afford" and someone bought it.

"Gibulet!" she yelled. "Who the hell is Gibulet! They bought my ring!"

I had to contain my chuckling.

She didn't even see it coming on the last day of "The Nerd", when her mom told her she had purchased over 40 seats for the performance. However, she told me the moment I quieted the audience after curtain call and took the microphone out of my jacket...she instantly knew.

...and so began, Dann's most embarrassing moment. Captured in photos and video alike. His hands shaking and his voice quivering like a five-year-old at a spelling bee.

She said "Yes."

Crisis averted.

The audience clapped for several minutes. Suddenly, the performance itself seemed to take the backseat, as dozens of people came up to congratulate us.

The planning began soon after.

The endless planning.

I mostly stayed clear of it. I knew Joy and her mom wanted to organize the wedding, and honestly...I didn't really care about colors or themes and all that. My usual response was "Whatever you want is fine with me, as long as it's not gaudy." I meant that sincerely. Not because I didn't care, but because I didn't want my opinion to influence what She wanted. It makes sense in a Dann sort of way.

I remember the bachelor party, where Dann drank more than he had in 10 years, making an ass of himself on his camcorder (among other things).

However, out of all the things I remember most, two memories are the strongest.

The first was getting into my suit in about 5 seconds, then pacing back and forth backstage for about an hour. Chris and Brandon performed "The Changing of the Guard", calmly taking turns coaxing me into not hyperventilating or passing out. Somewhere during this fiasco, I sent a text message to Sarah Maltby, who was providing similar support to Joy at the time. My message was simple and heartfelt:

"I think I'm gonna throw up."

The second was going out onstage, in front of all our friends and family, and seeing Joy in her dress for the first time. She looked amazing. I thought I would cry, but I didn't. I found myself wondering why I wasn't crying. I realized once she got up onstage next to me...I had nothing to cry about. I was proud. For the first time in my whole damn life, I was proud of myself. I had gotten this far, accomplished this much, and I hadn't screwed it up. It's not something to cry about.

So I smiled.
I smiled a lot that day.

It's been a whole year already. Time really flies by. Joy and I have had our share of arguments, bitter fights, tragedies and hardships...but as cliche as it sounds, it's all been worth it. When the moment is over, you look back and realize that none of it ever mattered. The only thing that ever matters is how perfect the two of you match. From taste in food to funny movies, a love of furry animals and insane Balderdash answers, to being the only people we know who want so badly to exit their wedding to "Queen".

I understand now what people mean when they say that marriage is work. It is. It's a lot of work. But no one said it was easy. But no matter what, you wake up the next day and realize the only thing you want is for the person next to you to still be there.

I love you Joy.
Happy Anniversary, babe.

Love, Dann

-

What I Wanted to Say Was...

2008-06-12T19:24:00.000-07:00

"Oh, the irony of caps lock."

There. I said it. I couldn't post it where I wanted to, so I posted it here instead.

"Oh, the irony of caps lock."

----------------------------------------------------------

My wife, The Hilarious Thingy.

2008-05-29T19:10:00.000-07:00

So a few weeks ago, Joy and I were in the kitchen, finishing off a jumbo-sized box of shredded wheat, when I suddenly had what I considered to be a brilliant idea.

In pure Dann Fashion, I put the box over my head, adorned and looking quite smart.

Normally of course, Joy takes times like these to remind me what a strange, oddball individual I am. However, today she said something rather unusual.

"My turn. Give it to me."

She sounded positively giddy at this point. She then recreated what I like to call:

"Kellogg's Last Samurai"

This wasn't enough. Laughing hysterically, she claimed that an action shot was called for. So, grabbing my plastic toy gun from the corner (don't judge, it's years old), she struck another pose.

...and they call ME the weirdo.

Of course, these random, hilarious moments of ours are what make us so perfect for each other.

WTF IS WRONG WITH PEOPLE?!

2008-05-27T13:58:00.000-07:00

I'm incredibly angry right now. I'm so mad I could throw something. AT someone. I was bored at work so I went on MySpace, looking at people's sites, and came across something interesting. One of my...acquaintances...had a list on their page of all the conservative groups they belonged to, one of which said "Stop P.E.T.A."

The switch was flipped.
Instant Rage.

I'm sorry, but is there something wrong with a group that believes it's wrong to pack crates of chickens for your lovely McNuggets so full they can't breathe?

Is there something wrong with a group who believes that if you are going to eat meat, it shouldn't be bludgeoned over the head with a tire iron?

Is there something wrong with a group who knows it is moral to treat other living, breathing, pain-feeling animals the same way we would treat ourselves?

Now, let me ask you something.

It there something wrong with the fact that you are AGAINST this group?

What have you got against animals? What did they ever do to you?

Some people find this funny.

Put it in perspective.

I know what I'm gonna hear now: "PETA is too brash and harsh. They are radical."

Oh. You're right. I'm so sorry. I forgot that standing on street corners, handing out pamphlets saying "Please treat animals with respect" really gets a lot done!

I would think people in the military would know that as well as anyone else. When diplomatic measures fail, you have to resort to more drastic methods. This is true with PETA as well. If someone doesn't do something, NOTHING will get done.

Before now, I was always a defender of PETA, but I never went the extra mile. I know, Me the hypocrite.

AFTER THIS ORDEAL. I HAVE GONE ONLINE AND REGISTERED TO JOIN PETA. THEY WILL NOW BE RECEIVING DONATIONS FROM ME AS WELL.

Thank you for making me see the light.

"WOW". I'm a dork.

2008-04-24T18:22:00.001-07:00

So, for the last week I have been trying (in futile agony) to bring my highest-level Warcraft character into fruition. I have been using a 2-Handed Sword this entire time, effectively making me king of all that is Badassery. However, having moved on from leveling to PVPing, I find that my ass has never been kicked this much.

My 5-day frustration and decision making follows:

1. Should I switch to maces? They have a greatly increased chance to stun.

2. Should I get a shield? This will cut my overall damage, but make me stay alive longer.

3. Should I stick it out, and save up my PVP tokens for the big sword I've wanted for so long?

So far, option 2 has been scrapped. I have a shield now, but staying alive for an extra 2 minutes is pointless if you can't kill anything.

Right now, my biggest rift is here:

2-H sword VS. 2-H Mace

Sword has higher damage and speed,

Mace stuns and has more stopping power.

I'm a huge dork, but this has been playing with my mind a lot lately.

Derailed.

2008-03-10T14:13:00.000-07:00

It's been a really shitty week.

Let's recap so far. After all, it's only Monday:

1. Sarah and I had a big falling out. She's mad. Enough that she punched me.

2. I had a C average in Biochemistry, so I studied my ass off for an exam this morning. I confidently strolled in...and promptly flunked it. With only one exam left, this pretty much sealed my fate for not getting into nursing school this year. I cried. A lot.

3. Joy left for a funeral this morning, but went to her parents' place last night. I went to bed at midnight...I got to sleep at 4:00 AM. I got up at 7:30 to go to the exam. Came home exhausted and depressed, then spent from noon until 2:30pm trying to get more sleep. I never dozed off once.

4. I worry a lot about Joy. I always do. For some reason, I'm always afraid of something happening to her whenever I'm not there. To top things off, we were looking online at female musicians, and I remembered a beautiful, yet ultra-depressing song called "Passage" by Vienna Teng. Of course, since it's about a girl who dies in a car crash, I became uber-worried about my wife. This retarded my sleeping efforts even more so.

5. I've had a lot of people hating on me lately. I know what Joy would say.
"Nobody hates you. You take everything too personally." I'm not saying everyone hates me. I'm saying there's been too much shit going on lately, and the stress is really starting to get to me. People blaming me for things, needless tension between people, and nothing going the way it should.

This sounds like just a depression slope. It's not. I'm not usually like this. I think watching nursing school slip through my fingers is what did it. I was trying so hard. Harder than I've ever tried anything. The funny thing is, I'm still going to. Depressed as I am, I'm not going to give up completely, because then I'm just like the post office people. And that scares me more than anything else.

I'm just sick of being so tired from constantly trying so hard, and not seeing the results I need. And it only gets harder from here. If I can get that far.

The Wonders of a Scottish Makeover

2008-03-02T12:57:00.000-08:00

One thing that I'm sure we've all noticed lately is the astonishing new hilarity that is made-up names. Especially those with a scottish tone. More specifically, making fun of people and adding "Mc" to their last name. This, as I have found in recent days, has made me laugh so much I nearly pee myself.

I found a few good examples. The easiest way to deploy this tactic is to take physical and/or social traits of said individual and expand on it. For instance:

"Hotty McShaggalot"

"Stupid McFirepants"

"Stinky McGreaseball"

"Spanish McAmerican-Blackwhitey"

(Been married a few times)

"Trailer McWhorebag"

Special Mention, from Sarah...

"Pancakes McSourcream"
or
"Grisham McBacos"

See? It's simple. Hours of entertainment for the whole family.

Judgment Day

2008-03-01T19:44:00.000-08:00

So...okay.

I realize that I'm not the most subtle person in the world, but I'm not an asshole, either. Which is why I wanted to put this out there.

Why do I derive so much pleasure from laughing at people I know/knew who (as I come to discover) are leading pointless, farcical existences?

I've been to many sites recently. Mostly out of boredom. These sites are, but are not limited to, Facebook, Myspace, The Milan High School Alumni page, and others. I've come to discover that many people I knew way back when are still employed in childish, obviously ridiculous practices, and either live 3 blocks from where they grew up, or they moved to...like...South Dakota...and have numerous pictures on their site of them...not doing anything.

Now, here's where I attempt to justify myself.

I've mentioned this to people before. What's the inevitable response? "What about You? You still play video games!" This is true. I play video games. So do over 2 billion people on this planet. It's competitive to the porn industry. It's a worldwide hobby that many people enjoy. That's all it is, a hobby. It's NOT, like many people's practices that I'm comparing to, a lifestyle.

When the comparison comes down to me playing video games VS a 30-year-old named Tom with 2 kids having his friends call him "Demetrius" and he wears a black cape and pretends he's a vampire...

I believe there is a sliiiiiiiiiiight diffy.

I don't dress up. I don't carry around 95 swords and insist that my surname is "Destroyer of Worlds". I don't have an entire site devoted to pictures that I've drawn of myself as a superhero or a ninja. I don't write poetry that sounds like Robert Frost's five-year-old son threw up on some parchment.

I got married. I'm planning on having a family. I'm trying to finish school so I can support said family and give them the life they deserve. I believe, in any sense you really can, that I've grown up.

Why do I care about what other people do? I'm sure as shittin' not envious, which is what most people would say. So why is it?

The only thing I can think of is it's a really bad case of sour grapes. These are people who, back in the day, made fun of me for being overweight, or not fitting in, or trying too hard. Now they are doing the same thing: Gaining tons of weight, pretending they are "mysterious" when all they do is sit around all the time, and make-believing they have lives when they don't do...anything.

I feel horrible about the fact that I just spent a good 2 hours scrolling through people's sites and profiles. I'm not normally this judgmental...I don't think.

But even though we all hate to admit it, it gives a feeling of satisfaction that amidst the hardships of your own life, that it could always be worse.

"No, Mr. Bond, I Expect You to Teach Chemistry!"

2008-02-22T16:31:00.000-08:00

So...I have a story.
But first, some background information:

My biochemistry teacher is Middle-eastern. I say this not only because I have no idea what country he's from, but more importantly because it's pertinent to my story; he has a very thick Arabic accent. Now, this is not an issue in itself. After two months in his class, I can understand him pretty well.

But there are some issues. For instance, we all learned on the first day of class that he drops some syllables and adds plurals. The most noticeable, and I know this will sound like an exaggeration, he pronounces "Organisms" as "Orgasms".

Blatantly. There is no hearing anything else.

That was humorous for a day or two. But then, when we started getting into compounds and reactions, a new villain emerged. I mean that more than metaphorically.

Now, you know how in all the James Bond movies the villain always calls him "Mr. Bond", and always with that cocky, very deep accent. The one that is never spoken with an American "ah" in "Bond", but a very timpanic, almost "Bohnd" type way. Well...you guessed it, that's how my professor says "bond". So when he says things like "Breaking the bond", or "having a double bond", I instantly picture him in a long, white suit, plotting world destruction.

Today, we have a new development.

In continuation of discussing functional groups of organic compounds (ethers, carboxylic acids, etc.), we came to talking about esters. Specifically, you guessed it, Ester Bonds. Which, in a heavy, foreboding accent...sounds distinctively like "Mister Bond".

In conclusion, for the next 20 minutes, I had to restrain my front row, easily noticed smile whenever he said "Mister Bond". I was like a fourth-grader in Sex-Ed class, chuckling whenever "penis" is uttered.

It was ridiculous, and when you think about it, not even really that funny. But in a world where people joke about crazy "Wouldn't it be funny if..." ideas, this one is filed under "So strange it has to be true."

"Dann the Man!"

2008-02-20T15:49:00.000-08:00

There are some things that bother you a lot.

Not like "Jesus Christ, I have to rip someone's head off and eat the brains", but more a "Here we go again, this is really annoying, and I've heard it a million times."

It may be the phrase "Someone's got a case of the Mondays", or "Hey, you dropped your pocket!", or even that wonderful (groan) response when you ask someone what day it is, and they say "All day!"

For me...it would be "Hey! Dann the man!"

"Dann's the man!"

"Thanks, Dann the Man!"

Good god. It's annoying as shit. And I'm talking about some really annoying shit. Like shit that goes on Jerry Springer wearing a tube top and screaming at it's mom kinda thing.

I suppose it comes from people believing that if they make a comment, they assume that they are original. Like the whole "Office Space" Michael Bolton thing. Everyone who asks assumes that person has NEVER heard it before.

Well, let me put that little idea to rest. Everyone (save for immediate family) calls me "Dann the Man." And it drives me nuts. There. Said. Done.

Like the picture? I Image-Googled "stress", and that picture came up. Symbolism.

I don't know how.

"It Would Be Beyond My Power to Do That."

2008-02-16T14:21:00.000-08:00

We've all had those dreams. Especially when you've had too much to drink, way too close to bedtime.

I'm talking about the "For-some-goddamn-reason-I-can't-pee-no-matter-how-hard-I-try" dreams.

Everyone I talk to has a unique version, ranging from "There's only one toilet in existence, and it's in the middle of a public room full of everyone I know" (Sarah), to "There's no such thing as toilets, and I have to find a secluded room, raise my leg up and pee in the sink" (Me).

Now I don't know about you guys, but whenever I have these dreams, it's like I'm not even really in control of my actions. It feels like a FPS (First-Person Shooter). I can see where I'm going and what I'm doing, but I'm just sort of watching it happen. Then comes the horrid realization that "Holy Shit! Toilets were never invented!", and I find myself streaking from bathroom to bathroom, bum-rushing the stalls, and each one leads to nothing. It plays out in stages, and each empty stall feels like a Commodore 64 "Spiderman" moment:

"I don't how to 'Pee'".

"...It would be beyond my power to do that."

DAMMIT!

"I don't know how to 'dammit'".

SHUT UP! Climb the elevator shaft! Fuckin' punch Sandman! WHAT DO YOU MEAN, 'YOU'RE IN LIMBO'?

Anyway, after running around through several rooms, all with the same empty stalls, and no urinals, and long loadtimes, I creep up to the sink and start peeing. Of course, as soon as I start, 4 people walk into the room, pointing and laughing.

...But enough about high school. It was scarring enough back then.

That's all I really had to say.

Load "ghostbusters" ,8,1 run

[SYNTAX ERROR]

List

IRON CROWN

MYCROFT MEWS

GATEWAY TO APSHAI

BERSERK

JUMPMAN

POPEYE

Q-BERT

GHOSTBUSTER
MINER 2049ER

HEIST

"Ohh!"

Load "Jumpman" ,8,1 run.

Sweet.

"I'm Insane With Anger!"

2008-02-15T15:16:00.000-08:00

Blogger is having issues. It's decided to uninvent spaces. Apparently they no longer exist. As you may have noticed from some of my posts, the sentences all mash together, and they go on for eternity, tugging your eyelids while reeking of Joseph Conrad.

I just wanted to let my audience (all three of you) that this is no fault of mine. I am grammatically viable, and my keyboard does indeed have an [enter] key.

That is all. Please join us here again the next time something pisses me off.

Savings, Sans Fascism

2008-02-12T19:10:00.000-08:00

So yesterday, Joy and I decided to go to CostCo, just to see if we could look around, and possibly get a membership, if it was worth the 50 bucks a year to save a bit on things like soymilk, toilet paper, pet food, and all that other stuff you frequently buy that cost a first-born each.

We decided we'd look around the entire warehouse first, before we made any decisions.
...we made it about 10 feet into the warehouse before we had pretty much made up our mind.

Their soymilk, which came in 12 quarter-gallon cartons (shelf stable for a year), was equivalent to 3 of the 2 half-gallon packs we buy at Whole Foods.
At 6 bucks a pop, the total for that much at Whole Foods would be $18.
At CostCo...$10.

36-roll packs of toilet paper were $17.
A 12-roll pack at Whole Foods is $12.

Dog food came in 40 lb. bags for $18.
Ours from Whole Foods is a 7 lb. bag for $10.

Now, I'm not dissing Whole Foods. I love that store. It's the only place I will buy food from as far as conventional supermarkets go. But there are the same, if not very similar brands of items that are literally half price for twice as much in most cases.

There was a pack of Veggie Burgers (less sodium than Boca, and twice the size) which had 14 to a pack (Boca has 4) and the pack was $10. A normal 4-pack
Boca Burger box is usually $4.59 or so.

Organic Baby Spinach at Whole Foods is 7.99/lb.
CostCo....$3.99.

We filled up our cart on that first trip with all the above items and more, totally $159, and that included our $50 year membership.
Think of it this way...on the soymilk alone, we saved $8 per crate, and we bought 2 crates. $16 saved...the membership is almost half paid for in the first trip.
I couldn't have been in a better mood after that. I feel like this is one the things that Joy and I really needed to do to save ourselves a decent amount of money, in preparation for the tough years ahead.

Plus, we don't even have to feel bad about it, because they aren't owned by fascist, low-paying, union-busting, benefit-scalping pigs like Walmart.

...and that's One to Grow On.

The Vat of The Plague Fiend!

2008-02-06T20:04:00.000-08:00

So...
Like clockwork, as usual every winter, I am quickly developing yet another case of Bronchitis.

It sucks.

The pain, the agony, the coughing, the sore throat, the little spanish children---wait. Nevermind.

It's funny the way it hits you. It always begins with a sore throat, which then progresses into a cough. Then in just sits for 2 days like that.

Then, one morning, you wake up realizing there's an elephant sitting on your chest. A metaphorical elephant, but damn he's a doozie.

I wonder if it's the Smallfertys who get this the most, due to asthma (sic)?

Hypochondria?
Nah. I grew out of that. While others grew into it (sic, again).

Whatever the reason my alvaeoli have become a cheese factory is beyond me, but it gives me something to write about that isn't insulting.

And as they used to say on Nickelodeon, "That's One to Grow on."

"I Need a Larger IV for My Coffee", and Other Great Hits

2008-02-05T15:52:00.001-08:00

The time has come to admit my addiction.

To coffee? Well yes, that too---but I meant my caffeine addiction.

I know, I know. Almost everyone says "Oh, god I need caffeine", or "I'm gonna need some pop to keep me awake". Everyone says stuff like that. Unfortunately, it runs a bit deep than that with me.

I used to drink pop all the time. Diet Pepsi at least. But regardless, it was all the time. Now, this went on for awhile, and I had time when I weaned myself off to water (for the marathon, mostly), then had a little bit of pop at a restaurant, then I jumped right back on the wagon.

Now those who know me well enough know that I get headaches. Like...every 20 minutes. All day long. I've had them since I was about 15 years old, and no amount of sleep, exercise, weight loss, stress-management or even relaxation will fix it. Ibuprofen works sometimes, but would prefer not to entrust my eternal well-being to a pill. At least, not for another 50 years or so.

However, when I don't have caffeine, I get really bad headaches. Worse than my day-to-day ones. I feel very irritable and achy, and then I get coffee to fix it. Usually, that works, too.

I've since practically given up pop. I've only had it twice in the last month that I can recall, but my dependence on coffee has nearly tripled.

I've been trying to decaf myself over that last week or so, but it's not working very well.

You know how Sarah says that Low-fat Oreos are not the same as the original? That they don't taste the same? I never really knew what she meant, but now I do. Decaf just doesn't have the same flavor or richness. I think that's it. It seems thinner, and doesn't coat your mouth the same way. I'm sure I'm imagining this.
But what do we do?

Pop has too much sugar, as well as other horrific chemicals.
Juice has way too much sugar, and it's mostly empty calories.
I drink soy milk, but you can't have 17 glasses a day.

Just drink only water? I mean, yeah, it's good for you....but you need variety. Otherwise it's like a dog who eats the same food, day after day. I mean, my dog eats the same food everyday, and then he whines all day. Is he whining because he wants to play? I thought so. Maybe he's whining because he wants a pizza, an orange, or a simple helping of "Anything but that brown, crunchy shit."

I don't know. I'm trying.
Now I know how crackheads feel.

The Elevator Incident

2008-02-02T19:03:00.000-08:00

I know we all have had our elevator moments. It's inevitable. You're there, trapped, sometimes for several minutes at a time, with total strangers. They may be completely normal, or they may be fruitcakes who just stabbed their Aunt Gert with a breadknife. You can't really tell.
I recently had my own moment. It wasn't as crazy as I'm making the above sound, but awkwardness abound, it bears repeating. Now before we begin, there are a few things one must bear in mind.

1. I think logically.
2. I am an atheist. (See above)
3. I believe in being kind to strangers.

I was on my way back from my lunch break a few days ago, having just sat down to read a few chapters of "The Gun Seller", and have a bagel. I head down to the East elevators, and press the "Up" button. I notice two elderly people, a man and a woman, coming up next to me, waiting for the same elevator.
I think nothing of it, casually glancing at random things (I'm a little awkward in 'small-talk, try to act casual' situations), when the older guy starts to talk to me.
"You workin' tonight?" He asked.
"Yep." I said, trying to keep it simple.
"You gettin' tired, yet?"
What do you say to this question? Smaller talk. "Oh, I'm always tired." I said, trying to get a smirk out while simultaneously vomiting up all that cheese. The lady just stood there, waiting for the elevator.
"Well here," He said casually, reaching into his coat. "I'd like you to read this when you get a chance." He pulls out a yellow, folded pamphlet, which (silly me) I believe at first to be some sort of charity or social brochure.

Nope. It's about God.

The front held a large clock face, with the entire clock greyed-out, save for the five minute-interval from 11 to 12. The caption at the bottom read "This could be the last five minutes of your life!"

I swallowed. In fact, I believe I swallowed a small truck.

I tried to think of a way to remain polite, while at the same time refusing the damn thing. He went back to waiting with his sister/wife/friend, while I stood there staring at this damn pamphlet. I thought I could just throw it away...but then what? He would get the satisfaction of thinking he's converted another person to the ways of the sheep, and I am once again put off by people trying to push their religion off onto me, thinking it's some sort of right they have. There had to be a way to meld the two into a nice fluffy torte.

Four more years go by.

Think, dammit.

Finally, the bell dings, and the three of us clammer onto the elevator. I go off to the side like I usually do, not because of awkwardness, but because I believe in giving people their personal space when I'm stuck in a refridgerator with them. Once again, He strikes up a conversation.

"So...you going home soon?"
"Nope." I said. "I still have 3 hours to go." I still remained cordial, although I realized I was just going to have to go for it.
"Well, please make sure you read that when you get a chance."

NOW! DO IT NOW!

"Actually, Sir" I began, "I'm an Atheist." I stopped for only a nanosecond or so, letting it sink in enough for him to realize what I said, but not enough to let his sales pitch start up again. "So I'm going to let you have this back." I handed it back to him.

He suddenly gets very offended, and suddenly I'm his insolent grandson. "Well...it won't hurt you to read it!" He says, sounding like this had never happened to him before.
I'd come this far. I had to finish it.

"Sir," I said again, "I'm not to insult you by throwing it away as soon as I get off the elevator."
The doors opened. Thank Dog for that.
I get off, and take two steps out, toward the hallway. He starts following me out, and his mother/daughter/friend-in-law, who up until now I would've thought to be mute, speaks up.

"Charles, this isn't our floor, yet."

"I know," He says feverishly. "We can get back on again." She stays on the elevator, holding the door open. A few more people come over, hoping to get on this elevator that is now claimed for Britain.

As I walk, I notice that the guy I'm orienting to my unit from the HR office, has also come back from lunch, and he is still standing in the small room next to the elevators. Maybe he took the nearby stairs, I don't know. But he was standing there, so I guess he was a viable candidate. The old man, still in a tiff, comes up to Adam (the new guy) and says "Excuse me, Sir. Could you read this when you get a chance?" He then steps back onto the elevator with his niece/stepsister/cousin, and the doors close.

Adam stands there, holding the pamphlet, then looks up at me like he just witnessed a UFO abduction.

"Tag." I said. "You're It."

I relayed the story to him as we walked back to the unit, and we spend the next hour or so reading the pamphlet, and laughing at every other sentence. As we suspected, it was all fear-tactics.

Because you know, Athiests have WMDs.

That's the story. I could say much, much more. But when all is said and done, everyone knows my opinion. Some people are destined to blindly follow whatever their previous generation told them to, and with the end coming ever closer, they need to believe that they didn't go through it all for nothing. The human mind can't contemplate Oblivion. It gets freaked out. So what should we do? Invent God, of course.

That's a good follow up to the Zeitgeist movie I posted earlier. There's a nice ten-minute lesson in the documentary about all the gods and myths from other cultures (Roman, Greek, Hindu, Islamic, you name it) who all have similar, if not the exact same life story, background, and supposed "all knowing, glorious power" that Jesus had. Most of these were around long before Jesus' time, and oddly enough, most of them (according to legend) were born on December 25th.

But as with every religion, Yours is right, and the other 35,000 are wrong.

A Test of Faith, If You Will...

2008-01-23T17:37:00.000-08:00

So I heard about a documentary called Zeitgeist. I watched about the first 30 minutes of it (it's online, so you can watch it all without downloading or anything).

I do care who is religious or not if they see this movie, but I have a test for anyone who is. And technically, for a test, you can't really pass it up unless you have a reason to fear it.

Anyway.

Go to the following link (takes you to the page with the movie):

http://zeitgeistmovie.com/

Let it load for a bit, without watching it. It's a full movie, so let it load like...the first 20 mins...it only will take a few minutes.

The first 8 minutes or so are intro music and whatnot, so skip that.

Play from the 9 minute mark, all the way to the 20 minute mark. That's right, watch just a lousy TEN MINUTES, and that's all you have to suffer through.

After watching that ten minutes, you are allowed to pummel my email and blog with whatever your thoughts are...and more importantly, how you can explain what you've seen.

That's all. Quite simple, really.

Video Games: A Lecture.

2008-01-20T15:00:00.000-08:00

I figured that today, since I am sitting here doing nothing most of the night, that I would tackle hardcore issues in the world today, in hopes of discovering fresh, new ideas to help the public with said issues.

Today, I choose Video Games.

Many people, usually girls (Girl, you know it's true), are in the business of bashing video games, seeing them as useless, time-wasting garbage (ad lib).
What people don't realize is that video games have qualities similar to that of books. For instance:

1. Promotes creativity.

2. Enhances Dexterity (4 out of 5 physician studies showed that video game playing enhanced finger and arm dexterity almost 60% better than "Cranking one off")

3. Promotes good long-term memory retention, as most players attach classic video games to fun past memories. Like word association, if you will.

4. Similar to books, video games give you the escapism of going to other worlds, times, and places. They let you live other characters lives, and have control over their development, enhancement, and in some games, even their health and career.

It's not just a physical act of sitting on your ass and not doing anything that is enjoyable. That's called sleeping, and if you just want to be immobile, that's a better choice. Most people who mock video games are those who have never even tried to play one. Let's look at a few classics:

CASTLEVANIA

Beginning with "Castlevania" back in...oh...what was it, like 1988 I think...
These games were simplistic. You are a vampire hunter, sworn to hunt down and kill Dracula. Easy enough? Sure, until you fight zombies, skeletons, ghosts, and undeadites all over Transylvania. There are roughly 20 games that follow the Castlevania game plotline, each one similar, but slightly different then the others. They have become cult classics.

MEGAMAN

Megaman has spawned many sequels (most notably Megaman 3 among the Smallwood family), from the first all the way to Megaman 8, and then restarting with Megaman X, and all the way continuing consecutively to Megaman X5. These games feature robots gone bad, and Megaman must destroy them, then use the weapons he's taken from them to use as a Special against the other robots. It's quickly addictive.

...and let's not forget, the wonderful classic...

RPGs (Role-Playing Games)

Zelda

The Final Fantasies

Chrono Trigger

...and many others.

RPGs are usually the backbone of hardcore gamers. Almost everything popular has been made into an RPG, including "Super Mario RPG"...which is also a great game.
RPGs let players build a character up from scratch, gaining them experience, new powers and skills, purchasing weapons, and getting together with other players to accomplish the games quests and goals (Teamwork...another perk).

The popular RPG currently would undoubtedly be World of Warcraft, which has over 7 million players currently enrolled online.

We end today with a idea. The idea that many people should consider video games as a hobby, much like any other. But not just that. They deserve to be put on as high a pedestal as any other hobby.

Why are fishing, golfing, reading books, and listening to music all acceptable hobbies, yet video games get the stigma?

I know what my wife would say..."Video games take up too much time."

Well...that's somewhat true...to those of us who need to learn to manage time better. But then again, I know people who can spend an entire day off work reading a book for 8+ hours, and they're never looked down upon for it.

It's worth a thought.

But right now...I gotta grind my warrior to 70.

Garbage to the Nth Degree. Lightly Censored, with Mayo.

2008-01-19T18:55:00.000-08:00

I saw a blog today (oh, Boy). It was a religious blog, to say the least, but one of those religious blogs that makes many of us rational thinkers want to pull our hair out in frustration, like unto trying to explain quantum physics to a wee babe.

The posts were one thing, with the never-ending battle with "I have to find a way to insert Jesus into everything I do all day no matter if it's ordering a pizza or changing a diaper" Syndrome, but the movie at the top of the page was something else entirely.

I call it "Mr. Jeezy-bit and Satan: An Interpretive Dance"

It's a GodTube video, from some concert, where a guy dressed as Jesus (only looking like Justin Timberlake, and wearing a purple stripe for a sign of holy wealth or something) is dancing with a teenage girl, who is then accosted by 5 other people in masks, the front runner being in Black (SYMBOLISM?!), which then "tempt" the girl to run around the stage like crazy, get depressed, and at one point, even point a gun at her head onstage. In the end, amidst the rock and roll spiritual Lollapalooza, Justin Christ knocks them all down, and hugs the girl.

Ahem....

WTF??????!!!!!

The obvious frivolity aside, the thing was so melodramatic, it made "Dark Shadows" look like a sonnet. It was the most contrived piece of saucy crap I've ever seen.

And apparently, this is a very popular video, as I found it later on other blogs as well. It's so ridiculous I can't even explain the ridiculousness. I am with lack of expletive ridiculosity.

And why am I telling you all this?
Why do I care?
Just don't go to the site anymore, right?
What caused me to write this long ass novel?

It actually made my chest hurt. It caused me physical pain and anger, because unfortunately, these people are the majority. But at least I don't pretend to like it, despite my obvious loathing, and then spew hatred behind backs.

No, hatred and I are good friends.
It really does makes me sound horrid, doesn't it?
I'm not one for letting things go, and I'm not one who is able to turn a blind eye while others backstab each other until one of them hits a kidney. Not my style.

Religion drives me crazy.
It starts wars, perpetuates violence, and teaches everyone that if you don't think like everyone else, you are worthless.

There's no other way to say it. It's just really sad.

Three-quarters of the earth's surface

2008-01-16T18:29:00.000-08:00

...is covered in butter.

I mean, why?
Why is it that every single recipe someone uses on Food Network MUST include several pounds of butter?

Unless you're Ina Garten...then you use butter AND chocolate AND cream AND 10 pounds of animal fat.

THAR SHE BLOOOOOOOOOOOWS!

Ahem...

for instance, take Ina's "Outrageous Brownies". I've pasted the ingredients only below:

1 pound unsalted butter
1 pound plus 12 ounces semisweet chocolate chips, divided
6 ounces unsweetened chocolate
6 extra-large eggs
3 tablespoons instant coffee powder
2 tablespoons real vanilla extract
2 1/4 cups sugar
1 1/4 cups all-purpose flour.
1 tablespoon baking powder
1 teaspoon kosher salt
3 cups diced walnut pieces

1 POUND OF BUTTER?! I saw the show, too...It makes only 20 brownies. Give me a moment while I go tally up the amount of fat, will you?

Let's see...

1 pound butter = 32 tablespoons...which are 11g of fat each. So that's 352.

1 oz walnuts has 16g fat. 3 cups is 24.9 oz...so... 398.4 g fat there.

6 oz unsweetened chocolate (which is 7g fat per 14g serving) has 85g of fat.

1 lb + 12 oz (so 28 oz) of semi-sweet chips is 793.8 grams (and it's 4g fat per 15g of chips)....so...carry the 3.....and that's another 211.68 grams of fat.

So...to total this...
We have:
Butter = 352 g
Walnuts = 398.4 g
Unsweetened Choc. = 85 g
28 oz. chocolate chips = 211.68
-----------------------------------------
TOTAL = 1,047.08 grams of fat.
divided by 20 brownies...............
-----------------------------------------

52.34 g per brownie. 52 and a half grams of pure FAT in each brownie.

...and let's not even mention the amount of cholesterol from those eggs.

Now, I know people will say "Oh God! Like we're not supposed to have any fat in our food? How idealistic! What a radical! BLAH BLAH BLAH!"

No....you don't need enough butter and milk and shit so all you taste is pure fat. I don't know about you, but when I make chocolate brownies, I want them to taste like chocolate brownies, not BUTTERIZED SOLID.

I don't like that "I gotta give birth to a camel now!" feeling after eating.

The Party

2007-12-29T14:29:00.000-08:00

So Joy and I were invited to a holiday party in Milan yesterday, being thrown by Richard Houghten, a very distinguished man I met while working at the post office. I must say, he reminds me very much of Uncle John. Quiet, calm, and way too smart.

Although we couldn't stay long (I had to work), we enjoyed ourselves immensely. Joy had a drink (can't remember what, but the vodka was unmistakable), while I, ever the DD, drank about 4 diet cokes in the hour or so we were there.

We met many new people, found some old friends (Steve-O), and had an entire spread of vegetarian / vegan food, most of which was prepared by Whole Foods. It was quite obvious that a lot of effort was put into our food preferences, which was heartwarming and made me feel selfish all at the same time.

Although I knew Richard collected and built organs and pianos, I never knew to what extent. His entire "garage" (remodeled with carpets, heating, and basically now resembles a large guestroom) has a small collection of large instruments: A HUGE organ with pipes larger than the Titanic, a long (about 8 ft long) harpsichord, and a remodeled player piano, which has a nice assortment of about 200 or so rolls he got for it.

The envy began.
Joy had another drink.

We spent our hour or so chatting with Vlad (a coworker from Czech Republic) who I had seen myself at the post office on many occassions, but never really spoke to.

The man is hilarious.
The phrase "Hey! Where's my plum brandy?!" Will forever be an inside joke between me and Joy.

We were received well by everyone, and we both look forward to more of Richard's parties.

I only wish I could've fully appreciated the "Heineken Shrine". A modern work of art, I can tell you.

Williams, Williams, Williams.

2007-12-27T19:39:00.000-08:00

Christmas presents: $120.
Benefits for new job: $250.
Postal Service trying to rape me for unpaid (imaginary) leave: $480.
Tuition for Winter classes: $1,500.
Financial aid being denied: $3,000.

Not knowing how the fuck any of it is getting paid: Priceless.

Doctors suck.

2007-12-27T19:20:00.000-08:00

Indeed.

Imagine, if you will, a drunken walrus (with arthritis) is given a nearly empty bic an asked to write the Gettysburg address backwards. In portuguese.

I could read that.

But I can't read "doctor".

In Which I am Given the Black Spot.

2007-12-27T18:32:00.000-08:00

From some crazy, oddballish reason, blogger/blogspot/cracksmoker.com has decided for the last 4 months to make it impossible for me to log on to my account. After 3 tries on the login page, it tells me my username and or email address do not exist in their system. However, when I click their "forgot your password?" link, it sends me an email telling me how to reset my password (which was correct). I follow the links to their internal page, and I arrive at my blog.

Now call me a wet blanket, but that seems a bit like a Michigan left.

"Sure, I'll go to the store, just let me swing by Egypt first."

Pointless, stupid, idiotic, and a waste of time.
Kinda like writing this blog to people who probably don't give a hoot.

Now I have to say something with merit. Hmm.

There's a few people on my unit (no jokes) who use horrendous grammar. I won't name any names, but I will say this:

"Supposably" is NOT a word.

D-DAY

2007-11-13T03:02:00.000-08:00

So...
Today's my last day in the pus-filled, hellhole Post Office.

At least, everyone KNOWS it is, even though when I turned in my resignation form the postmaster said he "wasn't going to entertain my ideas"....the he threatened me with a bad reference anytime someone calls him about me.

I would rather piss glass than listen to him ever again. He lies, falsifies paperwork, cheats his employees, ignores union contract, lies to inspectors, perpetuates an unsafe work environment (anything to save a few dollars), and doesn't care about anyone or anything except his golf games and bear-hunting season.

The post office has been dragging me down for months now, and it's gotten to the point where I hate going into work because I know someone is gonna gossip or say some stupid shit, or pick a fight, or just not let me do my damn job.

Fuck 'em.

I'm walking out today whether they want to acknowledge it or not. I'm sick of hating everyday at work, not because of the job, but the PEOPLE I work for. They are the lowest, most uncooperative, self-loathing, disrespectful, rude, selfish, and lazy piles of pig shit I've ever seen.

The Final Step

2007-11-11T13:30:00.000-08:00

So yeah...haven't written in awhile, have I?

Thought I died, dincha?

Well no....not quite, just never get around to actually typing something out I guess. I mean, shit happens all the time, I just feel like no one really cares to listen. Don't get me wrong, I'm not being self-loathing or anything, it's just that everyone has problems, stuff happens to everybody.
If you spend your life listening to what happens to other people, it's like living someone else's life instead of your own. Like "Reality" TV. I dunno. Forget this. I actually wrote for a reason.

Ahem...

I wanted to say that I have finally made the decision to take the final step in my new healthy (and more importantly, morally sound) lifestyle. I have battled for awhile now with the idea of going Vegan. Yes, that horrible word. The word that makes half (nah, all) my family cringe and shudder, point fingers and say "HERETIC!"

Well, this may be a small embellishment.

Anyway, the only 2 things keeping me from doing it were CHEESE and EGGS. Let's face it, I love an omelet. Love 'em. Nothing better. An omelet with cheese? Even better. But those are the only 2 things I've had issues with. However, cheese has been giving me stomach (among other) problems as of the last few months or so, and I eat eggs once every...I dunno, month maybe. I don't even buy eggs, which tell you how often I actually eat them.

Life is about sacrifices. Sometimes you have to ask yourself what is more important?
A five-minute tasty treat? Or a lifetime of guilt and hypocrisy?

...

You're not actually supposed to think about it.

As a final push toward morality, Joy and I found a new issue of VEG NEWS at Whole Foods today. Natalie Portman on the cover was enough for me to say "Sure, go ahead". Albeit it's 5 bucks an issue.

Inside was a very interesting article informing us about the NUMEROUS ingredients in everyday prepared and packaged foods. Not only did it translate what the label says to what it ACTUALLY is, but also says HOW they make it.

This direct paragraph, for instance:

"If you've been vegetarian long enough, you might already be aware that an enzyme from a newborn calf's stomach appears in most cheeses (even "vegetarian" ones) and other products. It's called rennet or rennin, and it's obtained by removing the calf's fourth stomach after slaughter, dry-salting and washing it, scraping away the surface fat, stretching it over drying racks, grinding it up, and mixing it with a salt solution."

THAT is in your cheese.

Chris asked me if I would eat eggs from organic, free-range chickens.
Libby asked why I would be pro-choice, but not care about killing baby chickens in eggs.

Well, the egg thing didn't really matter, because eggs you eat are unfertilized.
The entire point with eggs is that the chickens are all bred on farms, stuffed in pens (free-range usually means that they are not caged "all the time"), and after they stop producing the eggs you want, you chop them up.

What is my moral issue that I've been dealing with on eggs?

Let the damn chicken just BE a chicken!
Stop forcing it to produce all the stuff YOU want, and let it just live!

But it's NOT only the cheese and eggs that are the problem.

L-Cysteine Hydrochloride, a flour additive in cereals and baked goods, is extracted from duck feathers.

"Natural Flavors", which is an item list on many, many, MANY foods (I can't say "all", but it's close), is a choice combination of many ingredients. The whole point is there are certain things that fall under that category, so if they are used in the food all they have to put is "Natural Flavors". You don't know how many or what is in there.

Here's a few "Natural Flavors" that may be in your food:

Castoreum, which is used to add a "creamy and raspberry" flavoring, is actually an extract from the anal musk glands of beavers.

Isinglass, which is gelatin from the bladder of a sturgeon.

Lipase, which is an enzyme from calf tongues.

Musk, from the genitals of the Northern Asian Hornless deer.

Ground beetles, to add a hint of purple to toaster pastries.

These are just a few.

The bottom line here is that nowadays, packaged and prepared foods use so many unhealthy, immoral, and unnatural ingredients, that you need to be a "Linguist or a scholar" (as one man in the article put it) to discern just WHAT it is you are putting into your body.

It will be tough, and it will be a pain in the ass for many people around me...especially this close to Thanksgiving.

But I'm not sorry for the decision.
From here on out, I am proud to say that I am a VEGAN.

Why I'm Always So Angry

2007-08-14T20:09:00.000-07:00

Am I really as bad as people say I am?

Am I really as judgmental, selfish and rude as they think?

I have been really angry, tense, and moreover depressed over the last few weeks or so...but it has finally hit the apex. I've wigged out, broken down, and refused to talk about it, which is very tough for me to do.

Apparently, I judge people all the time. Constantly. Like, innately...without even trying.
That's some feat.

This has nothing to do with religion. I know this blog is mostly only read by Sarah and Joy, but if certain people get wind of it. Know this. God still doesn't exist. So don't patronize me.

on that note...

I am always hearing about how I'm judging someone, being rude, being insensitive, or not caring.
I'm pretty much fucking sick of it.

I HATE MYSELF.

I HATE WHO I AM,
I HATE WHAT I DO, and most importantly,
I FUCKING HATE WHAT I SAY.

Everything that comes out of my mouth is full of half-witted, supposed shit, much of which I exaggerate right before I say it, just to make it sound worse in my favor. I say things incorrectly, make words up, use words incorrectly, and then turn them into something that wouldn't even sound like english.

What else?

I HATE MY MEMORY.

My speech would probably improve exponentially if I could member what day it fucking was half the time. Whenever I have a point to make to someone, I stop halfway through because I don't remember what my point was. Meanwhile, the other person is (once again) heaving a huge sigh, wondering what the fuck I'm getting at, and why I haven't had the decency to shut the fuck up yet.

I HATE MY LIFE.

I hate the fact that I'm living day-to-day, suffering through a mindless job full of hypocritical assholes who don't give a shit about anything but themselves, trying to do my job while being constantly harrassed all day, and then getting told that I'm lazy.

I hate coming home to find out that all I do is say ridiculous shit that makes my wife and family members think I'm an asshole, or that I have preconceived notions about people that aren't true. I'm sick of being the kid that no one wants to listen to. The one they just point at the corner and let him talk to the wallpaper. Because no matter what, he didn't have anything important to say in the first place.

I feel like no one takes me seriously.
I feel like no one appreciates me, which is well-founded if this is really how I am.
I feel like I'm just an ugly, unattractive troll who is good for a laugh if he can't get out a coherent sentence without creating new words or repeating himself for four hours.

I'm just sick of being me.
I think you all are, too.

A Great Atheist Response on YouTube

2007-08-14T10:11:00.000-07:00

There was a great response to the atheist clip I posted earlier. The guy is just a normal person who responded to the clip, and spoke of his own opinions and experiences...I found it fantastic. He includes many things that people just gloss over.

Shit that makes me cry

2007-08-14T03:57:00.000-07:00

I don't care who you are or what you believe....watch this video. It makes me SOOOOOOOOOOO fucking angry.

Atheist Video on YouTube

2007-08-12T14:14:00.000-07:00

So while randomly surfing YouTube for interesting things to see, I ran across a great video on Atheists that I want everyone to see. I'm sure people will have things to say, but I don't really care.

Also, Joy found an interesting video the other day about abortion protestors, who seemingly enough, don't have a punishment for what they see as the worst crime of our time.

...and I'm sure someone will pray for us for posting them.

In Which I Have a Nervous Breakdown

2007-08-11T08:33:00.000-07:00

So, it's been about 2 months since I last posted something. I guess today would be the event that sparks some creativity into my judgmental, overly-sensitive, selfish bones.

I'm so mad right now that I just really need to explode. Let it all out.

Some people don't deserve it, others do. I can't tell which is which because at the moment I feel like I'm throwing fire at everyone I talk to...if I talk at all.

Sarah and I ran 11 miles today. I refused to even speak for a good hour of it because 5 minutes into the run, she incinuated that I was being judgmental. Not only that, but said that that's "What you do".

So, Judgy McJudgerton called out the competition.

Then I get to my mom's house, where Dad once again tells me to buy him something when I go walking with Mom. When he assumes things like that, I usually try to treat it as the child saying "I WANT CANDY!"

No questions, no asking, no simple request even....just "I'll take a Diet Mountain Dew".

Then, upon returning, puts a cardboard box in my hand and asks me how much postage it needs to mail.
Now, since I passed on the offer to have a portable cash register, scale, and rate chart built into my hand, he was a little out of luck.

Then, he asked me if one stamp would do it, which made me wig out.

"One stamp?!"

"Yeah."

"One stamp is 41 cents. That signature request you have on it is 1.70 by itself."

"You guys charge for that?"

(rolling my eyes, giving the "duh" look) "Ummm...YEAH!"

In Dad's defense, I was already angry to begin with, so he was probably doomed from the start.

Lately, I've been having this feeling that no one ever lets me just DO SOMETHING.
There is always something wrong with:
how I'm doing it,
I wasn't supposed to do it,
I didn't do it quickly enough,
you can't wear blue on a Tuesday,
no one likes your clothes,
you're judgmental,
you need to ___________ more often,
don't forget to ________,
"Why would you do that?"
"Well, why don't you ________ instead?"

I may sound harsh....but is it wrong of me to once in awhile, want everyone to just LEAVE ME THE FUCK ALONE?!

Because I don't care what you people think of me. Just let me live the way I want to, and if I do something wrong, I can learn from my own mistakes. That way, I will at least be controlling my OWN existence, instead of everyone else living it for me.

The Most Important Things

2007-06-10T22:46:00.000-07:00

I've learned.

For the first time, I think my eyes are truly open as to what I want and what I need to feel safe and happy in my life. It's quite the cliche. But then, as Chris and I both know, nothing is cliche when it happens to You.

I have tried opening myself up to new feelings over the last year. New ideas, ways of life, and most importantly, the ability to adapt a concept of who I am.

I mean, sure, I'm Dann. But who gives a shit?

What I'm trying to say is, the first real dose of reality hits you at some point or another, and you realize just what is important, and what you don't give two shits about.

I've been asking myself, "If I died tomorrow? How will I be remembered? Will what I said to ______ yesterday really matter?"

As much of a blinding case of the obvious as it is, I really don't think my yelling at a sibling for not answering the phone would not be an ideal last memory for someone to have of me.

Mom and Dad,
I'm sorry I seem to have spread apart from the family in the last few years, but it has been necessary to develop into who I am, even if that person is a self-righteous asshole. But who can tell?

Jenny, I'm sorry we don't get along. But we are still brother and sister. So no matter what we believe, that is a start.

Libby, I apologize for making fun of your problems all the time. Everyone has them, and hecklers increase them exponentially.

Sarah, I'm sorry I refer to you as "Selfish and Egotistical" at times. It is basically a bad judgment, since I cannot speak for you, nor can I tell what you are thinking.

Megan, I feel horrible for taking you for granted. You are always there to say Hello, always willing to talk and have fun, and always trying to spend time with me...which I have reglected to do.

Chris, I'm sorry that our relationship has turned slightly sour over the last few years. I know this is due to many things, but I am the root of most of them. I have no excuses to make, but I want you to still remain my best friend in 30 years, because very few people understand me like you do.

Finally, Joy.
I'm sorry that I'm not the man you thought I was. You thought I was a peppy, energetic comedian who loved to make people laugh, and tell sarcastic jokes. This is mostly true. Bu there are many parts to me that unnecessarily break through...and I apologize so much for this, I love you more than I can say.

That goes for all of you.

I promise I will change.

The point.
I have many things dear to me. Up until now, I have failed miserably in letting it known that the little things in life won't matter tomorrow, or the next day. I probably won't remember them next year, either.
What I will remember are the memories I have of each person that I feel that connection to, even if I feel like that connection has weakened or snapped.

I don't want the most precious things in my life to fade away without a sense that I did what I could, when I could, and I didn't sit idly by and let it all go to shit around me.

I'm sick and tired of feeling like everything is my fault.

From now on, I plan to take responsibility for what I do, say, and portray to others. Because the old cliche says it best:

"You never appreciate what you have until its gone."

My Good Deed For the Year

2007-05-30T19:47:00.000-07:00

So today, upon returning to my car from picking up a pizza (I know, I know...it doesn't happen often, so leave me alone), I noticed a cellphone on the ground in the parking lot. Upon picking it up, I got that strange "what if this belongs to a total jerk who would just accuse me of stealing it" kinda feeling...and why are other people's phones always greasy-feeling?

Anyway, I cleaned it off, took it back home, and called the first contact that looked promising.

"Dad".

Upon calling, this monotone-sounding guy answered by saying "what?"
We were not off to a good start.

However, after many minutes of explaining the situation, telling him my name, and having to convince him that his daughter wasn't tied up in my trunk, he gave me her email address, as well as the number to the cell itself, so I could leave a message for her to check remotely.

I did both, and within an hour she called my cellphone back, and we decided to meet in front of Target, since my place is confusing to navigate the parking lot, and she couldn't give me a good idea of her address. Don't ask me why.

So I drove to Target, and found her sitting outside with her friend/boyfriend/brother.

*HERE'S THE FUNNY BIT.

She said Hi, asked if I was Dann, and I said Yes, etc...

But no sooner than when I reached out to hand her the phone, then she extended one of her hands to take it, and the other to simultaneously hand me a 20 dollar bill.

Which I quickly denied.

I told her to keep it, and I just wanted her to have her phone back. She asked if I was sure, and I said definitely. They both thanked me, and said they would instead "take this as a gift of kindness" and use it for beer.

College kids.

Anyway, the whole point here is I know most people would just leave the phone on the ground, or be afraid to track the person down, much less call their friends and say "Ummm....Hi. I'm Dann Rafferty and I have your daughter's cellphone."

But this girl assumed that she needed to pay me for something that was already hers. I know in our society today, most people steal shit instead of returning it, but it seemed odd to me that she would do that. I guess it's logical with people today....but...I dunno. It's strange.

Can't someone just give something back to it's owner without pulling the "how much is it worth to you?" card?

I'm not belittling her. Far from it. I mean...she offered me 20 bucks!

But I guess aside from trying to be nice, it felt like she offered it so expediciously that she thought I would demand it.

That 5 minute span made me question humanity. Why are we so greedy? Why is money always the most important thing? I won't get all existentialist, but I wanted to say how I felt about it. There. Done.

This struck another short chord (very short, just thought of it now), about something the religious guy Joy was chatting with online about issues in the Bible. He said that Atheists have nothing to attach their morals to (i.e. the dude upstairs) so to them, killing people should be easy...they have no moral punishment, and no reason to do anything good. I wanted to message this guy and tell him to send me the picture of him eating his hat.

Besides, the last major thing I did for someone not related to me was the 20 bucks I gave to the homeless guy sitting by the expressway 2 years ago. So I was do for another.

What Would Jenny Do?

2007-05-27T18:01:00.000-07:00

So Joy and I just had a wonderful run-in with Jenny. Would you like some background?

Jenny posted a bulletin on Myspace, siting a page where supposedly teachers were "brainwashing" children. Upon watching the videos, I retorted, praising the site for educating kids on what homosexuality is, and how it is involved in our lives.
The kids in the videos were smart and very knowledgeable, knowing when things were "prejudice" as one first-grader put it.

I replied in my own post, saying that the site was wonderful, not immoral, and I must admit, made a bash or two about Jen and her own teachings. However, she will advocate that the entire post was bashing her personally.

I get a call 2 hours later, demanding I recant the post, calling it "slander".
I declined.

Then, the 30 minute argument ensues, with her telling me that a T-Rex can be a vegetarian, despite its build (the whole claws, huge teeth and complex stomach system thing), just as a panda has teeth to eat bamboo. WTF.

We get to talking about the Creation "Museum", and she yells at me that I know nothing about her, and that "You have to look at the evidence. Not the evidence that people show you, but what you find for yourself."

To which I replied, "You have no evidence."

She said "What?"

I said "Dinosaurs have been found. We KNOW they were meat eaters. So what? You think it's wrong to teach children about homosexuality in schools, but you can tell a child that a 50 foot beast with razor-sharp teeth used them to open coconuts? (which is actually what the guides at the "museum" are told to tell you. It's on the review site)". She asks how I can know everything about dinosaurs. I said honestly, "I don't. But neither do you. And I can tell you for sure that a T-Rex wasn't given claws, a 50 foot build, massive muscles and teeth for eating ferns".

She called me arrogant. I was surprised it took that long.

She says it is something that could have happened that she and her family believe. Then she continues to how I know nothing about her again.

So Jen starts to tell me about the Bible, because I stated that it was her only source of "evidence". I told her that she glosses over parts of the Bible, while whole-heartedly believing others. She says "Like what?"
I said "Glad you asked. What about the verse about Lot in Genesis, about how a man cannot give his son to a stranger to have sex with him, but he should instead give the stranger his virgin daughters to 'do what you like with them'."

She says "What verse?"

I told her to hold on one sec, because Joy had pulled up the site earlier, and knew it better than I. Joy takes the phone and says, very calmly, "Hi Jenny, give me one sec, I know this verse better than Dann---"

Jen immediately cuts her off, saying "You stay out of this! Give the phone back to Dann!"

Joy tries to get in 2 words, informing Jen that she merely wants to read her the verse, like she ASKED for.

Jen begins to hurl accusations and screams at Joy, Joy pulls the phone away from her face, and I can hear her 3 rooms away. Jen then hangs up on Joy...who, at this point, has not even said an entire sentence yet.

Joy devastated, We call her back twice, once was me reading the verse, informing her that apparently raping your daughter is better than homosexuality.

The second was Joy, letting Jen know she had no reason to scream at her, especially before she even knew what Joy was going to say...which was the verse she asked for.

What is the moral here?

I don't really know. I don't think there is one. Fuck, this is how wars get started. If I had oil reserves in my backyard, they would've invaded me already.

So Dann may never see Noah and Sophia again. But I think I was prepared for that. Because in a few years, the 3 of us probably won't recogize each other anymore.
I haven't recogized Jenny for awhile. Same for Jason.
But they got over it. So I did too.

Yes, Dann and Jenny don't mix. She thinks I'm arrogant, I know she's blindfolded, and life continues. I, however, will remain comfortable in knowing that MY daughter will never be handed over to a strange dude on my porch in the middle of the night.

As for Jen...
Well...she never answered that question.

Everyday Crusades

2007-03-28T17:05:00.000-07:00

Joy is still having an endless bout with the religious dude. She gets so frustrated with him, because (like most christians) he doesn't answer any of her questions, (I.E. "Why does your god gamble with lives (like Job), yet christians say that gambling is evil?", "Why is it that God supposedly told Abraham to murder his son (which he was going to do), but whenever people kill in the name of "God", christians say it's just Satan talking to you", and "Do you agree with the passage in the Bible that says if a man does not believe in God, you should kill him, burn his town, rape the women in it, and kill and dismember all their babies?"

You know, the general stuff.

I've noticed that with all heavily religious people. Christians mostly. I may be libeled and have numerous remarks made about this, but it's true. You can't have an honest debate with a christian. It doesn't work. They are SO bent on converting you, that you can show them every contradictory passage in the Bible, and they'll just quote scripture back at you...thinking they've somehow accomplished something. They think the Bible is self-proving...which is also ridiculous. The one thing you always hear is "Because it's in the Bible". Of course. The Bible is truth because it says so.

That's like using a word in its own definition.

Most christians also spend little or no time questioning the reasoning behind the stories in the Bible. They read a story like Job, and they say "What a good man...he has strong faith". They don't say something a rational person would say like "Hey! Why did God just shit all over that guy for no reason except to win a bet with the Devil?! What an asshole!"

The whole point, which I have stated many a time (no, I don't expect them to listen anymore) is easy...

People created God in THEIR image. They created him so they could answer all those questions they had no answers to:

"What happens when we die?"

"How did we get here?"

"WHY are we here?"

These questions are far beyond the realm of human comprehension. Hence, God was born.

1. God created Man, then Woman from Man's rib (subjugation), even though all fetuses begin as female,

2. Then he killed all except Noah's family and 2 of each animal, and they repopulate (inbreeding)

3. God states that out of all his rules, the main ones are DONT DEFY ME, DONT HONOR ANYONE ELSE, and ABOVE ALL, PRAISE ME..."dont kill anybody" ends up in distant fifth place.

4. Charleton Heston looks horrible in a wig.

5. God gets his priorities in order, which are all mostly "Have people worship me", "Get more members", and "Kill those who don't convert"

6. Yul Brenner doesn't need a wig.

Anyway, I'm done for awhile. I just wanted to give a first glance as to what I'm noticing in this world. Christians are like brick walls. I hate to make a generic statement like that, but unfortunatley it's true. I have had 3 (that I can recall offhand) relationships / friendships that have ended in complete ignoring of me, simply because the inevitable happened: I asked questions, they ignored them, they said God was great, I said "But this passage says that _________________, do you think that's right?", they said "I think you're misinformed", I say "I got it from the Bible", they scream "I will pray for you!" and never talk to me again.

Rinse and Repeat.

I'M DONE. I'M NOT DOING IT ANYMORE.

2007-03-22T18:32:00.000-07:00

After hearing the endless rants and rampages that Joy has gone on, listening to endless quotes from numerous books and magazines, and reading one-line statistics in random books, nothing has phased me. I'm still a meat-eater. Nothing has gotten through my impervious shield of denial, which so many humans have nowadays. I just said "Wow", and moved on.

Fortunately, I was just hit with the reality stick.

I just watched "Fast Food Nation".
It's not a documentary. So there's no way conservatives can say "Well there's a lot of liberal bias in that." It's a ficticious story about how the fast food mega-corporations, as well as the people of this country, operate on auto-pilot. Deny this, ignore that. Show a flashy sign, make an extra dollar.
The entire movie shows very well how the world, and more particularly Americans, operate on "quick-eating, no time to cook, maybe I'll have some frozen Sausage and mac & Cheese" lifestyles. It was shown believably...which is the most important aspect. You watch this movie thinking "I've seen this happen before" many times.

It was really an eye-opener. But the most compelling was the last five minutes, throughout which, I don't believe I even remembered to breathe. It's the worst thing I have ever seen.

And, as a first for me, I felt something from the film I never really have before, especially in a movie.

INNER HATRED.

I hated myself and all other people who continue to blindly pay and give money to companies who find it not only legal, but morally sound to give an electric shock to these animals, cut off their heads (while awake), slaughter them, peel off their skin, and let their viscera slide down a chute into a large vat.

I realized how those thousands of loyal german citizens felt after WWII, when they were led into Auschwitz, and saw what was hidden from them the whole time.

I cried.

I cried so hard I couldn't help myself.

I felt strange, since I've never cried at a movie (save for "Untamed Heart" when I was eight)
and I wondered why.

For the first time, I realized that I actually cared about it. I was allowing them to kill another living thing, like ME, and serve it to me. How selfish.

I'm never eating meat again. Chicken, steak, hamburger, pork, turkey. ANYTHING.
I've made this decision on my own...and I swear on my life, I'm never gonna break it. EVER.

Thanks for listening to me ramble.
It was much appreciated.

Dementia and Peanut Butter

2007-03-21T18:24:00.000-07:00

I'm going nuts.
I'm massively stressing out about switching jobs, going to school full-time, and trying to find someway to make ends meet at home without selling my car, getting rid of internet, and eating my feet for dinner.

I'm so goddamn depressed about all of it. I'm trying so hard to get a passing grade in Anatomy, and Joy seems to get high grades easily. I know she studies hard, but if she can get those great grades by studying just as hard as I am, and I struggle so hard to maintain my 79% average...am I making the wrond decision?

Maybe I was made to stay in the postal service my whole life, listening to fat supervisors tell me to "get to work" and "when there's time for leaning, there's time for cleaning." Living everyday with the same bullshit gossip and high school backstabbing that goes on like clockwork. Maybe I was not supposed to get any better than this.

I have been there for 3 years now...almost EVERY single day, I get someone else asking me about how to do something. What's the protocol? How do I get this receipt out of the backlog and reprint it? How do I process a bulk mailing trust? I KNOW! ASK DANN!

Why? Because I know more than the fucking people who have been there for 25 fucking years. I was called (rather foamingly) an "idiot" today (more than once) for changing the 3-month calender so it doesn't show past months. Now I don't know about you, but when I come into the post office planning when something will arrive or try to find out when I'm coming back from vacation the first thing I ask isn't "What was 3 weeks ago from Wednesday?"

I'm at the end of my rope.

How will I pay for school? Loans? That's only fine until I reach EMU. Once there I need grants or I will be BACK IN DEBT. I just got my credit card bill down from $5,000 to $1,300 in a year. Now I'm gonna go back into debt in amounts almost 5 fold that?

On top of all this, we are way behind in wedding planning. It's not Joy's fault or mine alone. Some of it was laziness. But now it seems like we never have the time to call and get addresses from people, sit down and plan the invitations and get them mailed, plan out the reception, or any of that stuff. I just don't want my wedding to reflect my "try and not succeed" image. I don't want my guests to say "I'd give that wedding a B-"

What do I do?
Shit. I drown in my own self-pity. It's nasty. I guess writing this would assume I want people to read it. I think when I began, I did...but now I'm not so sure. But like Sarah said, you don't filter a blog...you just post it. So here goes.

I Eat the Devil

2007-03-19T18:27:00.000-07:00

Today I ate Satan.

Discuss.

Okay, I'm not exactly truthful. I ate Seitan, but it's pronounced the same way. It's some kinda weird protein-ish, kinda faux meat, wheat gluten. When you cook it, it tastes almost exactly like steak, but a little salty.

My fiance is a vegetarian, so we try to find alternatives to meat. Which is fine by me...I don't eat red meat anymore...my only vice is chicken.

CHICKEN IS LIFE.

I could eat it until it slides out of my ears.
What a kodak moment.

The seitan itself was good....but half my baked potato was black with something.
I hope I don't die.

In the beginning, I chose a font.

2007-03-19T18:08:00.000-07:00

I finally joined the Spot. Sometimes I wondered if I was ever going to finally get around to it, but it happened.

I chose a font. TREBUCHET.

Why?

Yep. Simply because of the large, hurling weapon used to siege castles.
Great name...font looks like poop, though. It's boring as shit.
Oh well, on to more important matters.